I Wouldn't Want You to Want to Be Wanted By Me
by TheBeanMonster
Summary: OOTP, HBP spoilers. A long, bittersweet story that follows the relationship between Remus and Tonks. Starts when Tonks wakes in St Mungo's to find Remus sitting by her bed. Title from the song The Rat Within the Grain by Damien Rice. Will not be completed
1. When She Woke

**I Wouldn't Want You to Want to be Wanted by Me:** A Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks Fan Fiction

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_Deep into the places stories have to start - ** A Fear of Falling Under - Darren Hayes**_

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Tonks lay in her bed in St Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries unaware that she was even there. She had been sleeping for two days straight and was in a rather poor condition. Beside her sat a man who, though still quite young, had a prematurely lined face and light brown hair flecked with grey. His tired face was full with worry and sadness. This man was Remus Lupin. 

He was at St Mungo's under the request of Albus Dumbledore that Nymphadora Tonks had someone to be with her while she spent a little longer at the hospital. After the trouble at the Ministry of Magic, Voldemort returning and the death of an innocent man wrongly accused of murder, someone was bound to end up in hospital. Quite a lot of people did. Tonks however, had been knocked out quite heavily and suffered some damage. So at this, Dumbledore felt somebody should be there when she woke. Remus offered, knowing all to well what it felt like to wake from a terrible night to find himself alone with no one to care. So here he sat waiting anxiously for Tonks to come around. He stared out the window thinking to himself whether Tonks knew about Sirius and everything that happened.  
"Remus?" said a quiet, hoarse voice.  
He spun around, "Oh Tonks, thank Heavens you're okay!" he said touching her arm gently, "I was so worried."

Tonks had a blank look on her face. Her eyes flickered around the room. "St Mungo's? What… Remus, what happened?"

Remus sighed and folded his hands gently in his lap, "the Ministry," he said, "you were fighting Bellatrix Lestrange and she knocked you out. You've been out cold for two days."

"Oh… dear," she said, "and everyone else? Kingsley, Mad Eye, Harry, Sirius? How are they?"

Remus took in a deep breath then sighed once more. Unable to meet her eyes, he looked out the window and said "Bellatrix killed Sirius, Tonks. Everyone else is fine, but Sirius, he's…" he broke off.  
Tonks sat bolt upright and sat on the edge of her bed. Her eyes were wide and full of disbelief and her shoulders were shaking uncontrollably.

"I'm so sorry," said Remus quietly.

She started to cry silently into her hands. Remus looked at her sadly. He knew he was the one who had to tell her but it didn't stop him from feeling incredibly heavy inside. He took the crying girl in his arms as she sobbed on his shoulder. Remus stroked her bubblegum pink hair and said nothing. Nothing needed to be said.

Eventually Tonks let go, wiping her eyes and looking about for a tissue. Remus handed her his handkerchief. She took it gratefully and blew her nose.  
"It's not fair…" she said at last.

"Nothing is fair these days," said Remus sadly.

"But I could have – I mean if I tried harder…"

"Tonks, you did the best you could do. You did all you could do. Sirius would have been proud of you. You're a strong young woman, and you did everything you could possibly do," said Remus.

Tonks looked up, her eyes were red and puffy and her face was unreadable, "It's just…"

"I know," said Remus touching her shoulder, "but right now you should be lying down. You need food; I'll go find someone for you."

Tonks smiled a little and did as she was told. 'He is much too nice' she thought to herself.

-----

A week later, Tonks was discharged from St Mungo's. She and Remus were to be meeting up with Mad Eye Moody and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley the next day to welcome Harry at King's Cross.

"I think we better get you home," said Remus after they'd left the hospital, "and I'll come by tomorrow morning to see how you are, and we can go to the station together."

"Okay, Remus," Tonks smiled, "but how are you going to get me home then?" she added with a funny glint in her eyes.

"Well you apparate don't you?" he said, mildly confused by what she meant.

"Well, I know where I live…" she said, "but as for you, you don't. Am I right?"

"Ah…" said Remus. He hadn't thought of that. He was planning on escorting her home safely, but he had no idea where she lived.  
"Thought so," she laughed, "we'll just catch the underground shall we? That way you'll know."

Remus smiled.

Once they'd arrived at Tonks's stop, they got off and Tonks led the way. She was chatting away freely, unaware that a group of old women had given her reproachful looks because of her bright hair. Remus was walking along side her, half-listening, taking in his surroundings. It was a nice, quiet town with neat little terraces lining the streets, a small park surrounded by several park benches and leafy green trees.  
"Well, this is it," said Tonks.

They'd come to a halt outside a small building of apartments. There were only three stories and a small, neatly kept garden out the front.  
"Home sweet home," Tonks said, giggling afterwards, "I'm on second floor."

"Oh, okay," said Remus, "would you like me to walk you up?" he asked.

Tonks smiled, "sure."

Remus followed her inside, carrying her small bag. They entered a hallway with white walls with various paintings of random landscapes hanging on them. They walked up a flight of stairs and came to her door.

"I guess I'll be seeing you tomorrow then," said Tonks.

"I guess so," said Remus giving Tonks her bag.  
"Well… thanks so much, Remus. This really means a lot to me, you know? Having you there and everything. It means heaps."

She hugged him then smiled, "Well, see you tomorrow," she winked.

Remus smiled, "Goodbye Nymphadora."

She gave him a jokingly stern look, laughed, winked once more, and then closed the door behind her.

Tonks pressed her ear against the door until she heard a tiny pop, telling her that Remus had disapparated home. She took the bag that Remus had carried home for her to her room, then made her way to the kitchen. She passed her tiny lounge room on the way, looking at all the photos she'd hung on the wall. It used to look like the wall had wallpaper on it, but you wouldn't have known now. It was covered in various sized frames which held photos of her family and friends from school and the Order. He eyes came to rest on a photo of her and Remus that was taken at Grimmauld Place. She'd always liked that photo. They were both smiling as they sat together at the long kitchen table playing wizard chess (which, she remembered, she had gotten so badly beaten at). Tonks smiled to herself as she stopped looking at the picture and left to make herself a cup of tea.

"He is truly," she said to herself, "the most amazing man I have ever met."

She stopped dead.

Did she think what she thought she did? Most definitely. It was a hard thing to process, could she have fallen for Remus Lupin?

'I think so', said a voice in her head.

Tonks sighed, got her cup of tea and made her way back to the lounge room. She looked at the photo once more. Remus looked out of it with a smile and waved. Tonks's heart did a little flip.  
"Yes," she said out loud with a sigh, "I think I have."

And with that, she smiled a little, let out a sad sight, and fell into her favourite squishy, emerald green armchair.

-----

There was a knock on the door.

"Merlin!" cried Tonks, who was still in her purple paisley pyjamas, "oh dear, oh dear," she muttered, "Sorry, Remus, I'll be there in just a tick!" she called out.

She had totally forgotten Remus would be coming around to see her. Tonks scrambled to the door and opened it.

"Wotcher, Remus," she said, "I totally forgot."

"Well, that's not a problem really," said Remus, "I think I did come a little too early anyway."

Tonks's pale cheeks were a little pink. Partly because she'd been so flustered after racing to the door, and partly because she was still in her pyjamas (which she made note that Remus had probably already seen her in a dozen times anyway, after quiet some time they spent at Grimmauld Place, she figured everyone had). It was more that she forgot that he was coming.  
"You should come in," she said, indicating him over the threshold and into the lounge room, "just make yourself comfortable. I need to change. I'll be two minutes."

She hurried into her room leaving Remus along in the lounge room.  
Remus looked around. It was, in a little way, quite what he thought her home would be like. A little bit colourful, all sorts of odd knick-knacks sitting on shelves, mismatched furniture that still managed to go well together, lots of photos. The one thing that surprised him though, was how neat everything was. From knowing her for a year and a bit, he had never been inside her apartment, and he figured, knowing her personality, that she'd be a tad unorganised. But everything had its place here and it all went together neatly.

His eyes found the photo wall. He walked over to it, looking at all the mismatched frames and their residents. There were photos of what looked like Tonks with her parents, photos from her school days, photos of people from the Order. He scanned all of them, passing over a photo of himself, Sirius and Harry all waving out from the frame, to a photo of him and Tonks playing chess. He smiled, remembering how he had completely flattened her at that game.

"Do you like that photo? I've got another one," Tonks had reappeared in the room, now dressed in a purple Weird Sisters short and a heavily patched pair of jeans.  
"I beat you didn't I?" said Remus, turning to face her. He was smiling teasingly.  
"Well only because I've never been one to be good at chess," Tonks said, pointing her finger into his chest, "so you would've won anyway."

Remus laughed, "You said you had another copy?"

"Oh, year, I'll just get it for you," she said as she walked over to a book case and took out a large album. She flicked through it and pulled out the photo, "here you are."

"Thank you," said Remus taking the photo and looking at it before slipping it into his robes.  
Tonks's heart did the same little flip as it had the previous day.

"Would you like a cup of tea?" she asked, "we haven't got to be there for a little while yet."

"I think I would actually, thank you," he smiled.  
He followed her into the kitchen and seated himself at the table while Tonks sought out some tea cups (which, like the furniture, were all mismatched pieces of crockery). She handed him a large, white mug covered in ting orange sports that was filled with tea. Remus drank.

"So, are you feeling a bit better today?" he asked lowering his mug.

Tonks took a sip from her own mug (which was white and detailed with delicate flowers around the brim), "a little," she said, "I mean, of course I've felt better, but it is kind of expected."

Remus nodded, "Well, if you ever need anyone, I am here," he said.

"I know," Tonks smiled.

-----

They left Tonks's apartment at eleven thirty and apparated to King's Cross. They met Moody and greeted Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. A family of muggles stood nearby, who Tonks guessed immediately that they were the Dursleys. Mrs Dursley caught a sight of Tonks and looked away reproachfully. Tonks laughed, it was the pink hair. It had that effect on people who weren't used to things that were out of the ordinary.  
A group of school students made their way through the barrier. Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny were among them. Mrs. Weasley hurried over to hug her two children, then Harry.

"Hello, Harry," smiled Remus once Mrs. Weasley had released Harry.

Tonks was smiling as she stood next to Remus. Harry looked at all of them, bewildered.

"Hi," he said, "I didn't expect... what are you all doing here?"

"Well," said Remus with a slight smile, "we thought we might have a little chat with your aunt and uncle before letting them take you home."  
And so they did. They discovered how undelightful the Dursleys really were as they let them know what was going to happen over the summer with Harry.  
Once Harry had given them a final goodbye salute everyone began to mill around. Remus decided to leave.

"Alright," he said, "I'd better get going. See you later everyone."

"Wait!" called a voice as he began to walk.

Tonks was hurrying over to him.

"Yes?" said Remus.

"Do you mind if we walk?"

Remus thought it was a strange request.

"Not at all," he said.

They left the station in silence. It wasn't until they had walked a fair bit that anyone said anything.

"What's going to happen with the Order?" asked Tonks in a small voice.

Remus took a while to answer. He had wondered the same, now that the headquarters may be out of use.  
"I've wondered the same," he said truthfully, "I think it will continue, that's for sure, but as far as headquarters goes, I really don't know."

Tonks merely nodded.  
"Is there something troubling you?" asked Remus, aware that she was unusually quiet.

"Oh, no no," she said, "I've just got alot on my mind lately. With everything that's happened... and other stuff. I'm just not sure of anything at the moment." She shook her head, "It's nothing really."

Remus looked unconvinced but decided not to question her.  
"You just remember what I said this morning then," he said, "and that you can tell me anything. I'm here to listen."

Tonks smiled. "I know," she said as she had earlier that day, "I best be off. I've got a little bit more resting to do, like you told me to. Then I've got six days straight of work," she added rolling her eyes.

"Well, then I guess I'll be seeing you some time over the summer," said Remus, touching Tonks gently on the arm, "See you later."

And he apparated on the spot, leaving Tonks standing alone, her heart doing flip after flip.


	2. Pink Flames

_Her patience's wearing out, she wants him to realise - **Fall - George**_

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For the most part of the next two weeks Remus spent his time at the Burrow, the Weasley household. Occasionally he sent an owl to Tonks just to see how she was doing and meeting up with her sometimes for a cup of tea, lunch maybe, whenever she had a spare moment away from work. He was glad to have her. While he always told her he was there for her, he felt she was doing it for him. He felt as if she was the person in his life that kept him together, and he couldn't help being so thankful for it. Whenever they met up for a cup of tea, generally at her place, they would sit and talk for what seemed hours, and afterwards he couldn't even remember what they were talking about. He enjoyed these moments.

"How about another game of chess?" he asked one day.

"Oh ha ha!" said Tonks, "Are you going to flatten me like you did last time?"

Remus laughed as he leant back on her kitchen chair, "I suppose I might. I usually do."

"I'll take that as a challenge then, Remus!" she declared as she marched into her lounge room to retrieve her chess set.

As she searched her lounge room for her chess set, Tonks smiled to herself. She was certain that she had fallen for him. It certainly felt like love that was for sure. Every time he locked eyes with her, touched her arm gently, laughed at one of her jokes, smiled at her, her heart was doing little backflips inside. She found herself thinking about him all the time, gazing as the photo of them on her wall for so long. She would tell him sooner or later, she thought, but right now it was time for them to play chess.

"Righto," she said cheerfully as she walked back into the kitchen, "it's game on!"

Remus laughed as she set down the chess board and the pieces arranged themselves, "you do realise," he said, "that even though these are your pieces I'll probably still win? They recognise a good chess master when they hear one."

Tonks raised and eyebrow.

"Oh do they now?" she said, "Well why don't we just wait and see, shall we?"

Remus laughed again.

Of course, Tonks got flattened again.

"You got lucky," she said, making an excuse for her dismal chess playing.

"As I did all those other times too," Remus said, smiling, "You should practice, then I'll give you another game next time I see you."

Tonks laughed.

"Oh I will, Remus Lupin, I will."

-----

The next time the two met was while Remus was staying at the Burrow. Tonks dropped by for a visit to the Weasleys as well as to see Remus, who she knew was staying with them. Ron dug out his old chess set and lent in to Remus and Tonks, who were sitting at the kitchen table with Molly. By the time they were halfway into the same they had managed to pull a small crowd consisting of Ron, Ginny, Bill and Molly. The pretty, French girl had taken one look at the chess board and flounced away claiming she had better things to do. Again, though, Remus beat Tonks. Not quite as severely as the last time though.

"I see you've been practicing," he smiled to her after the crowd has walked off, leaving him, Tonks and Molly again.

"I like to take your advice," replied Tonks, with a wink.

"You know dear," said Molly, "I was never much of a chess person myself, but that was a rather entertaining game. You did pretty well considering you were playing Remus. He's a marvelous chess player."

"She's gotten a lot better," said Remus, "excuse me for saying so, Tonks, but she was rather dreadful in the beginning."

Tonks laughed.

"Well, it was great seeing you both again," she said, "but I better get going. I've got loads to do."

"Okay, you take care, Tonks dear, you're welcome over anytime."

"Goodbye, Nymphadora," said Remus, touching her arm.

Tonks raised and eyebrow, laughed, then winked. She walked out the back door, gave a small wave, and was gone in a small 'pop!'.

"Well, Remus," said Molly, getting up to make more tea, "she has certainly taken a shine to you."

She turned back to him and smile.

"Oh, Molly, you know we're just good friends," he replied, but not without the thought passing through his mind.

"I don't know, Remus, but the way she looked at you, she definitely likes you."

Remus smiled.

"I'm flattered you think so, Molly, but I just don't think she'd ever feel that way."

"Oh she might," Molly said, pouring him a cup of tea, "and the same goes for you too, dear," she added.

"Oh come now, I mean I couldn't… I … I…"

"I saw the way you looked at her too, Remus. You had that look, I know you did."

Remus took a sup of tea, lowered his mug, then sighed.

"Molly, even if I did, and I'm not saying that I do," he added, "I'm not right for her. We wouldn't work."

Molly smiled.

"And yet, the way you look at her, you wish you did."

Remus sat there silently, sipping his tea. Molly was right. He did feel something for Tonks. He knew he cared about her, he cared a lot, and he did find moments where he was thinking of her and her bright pink hair. He sighed again.

"Am I right?" asked Molly.

Remus merely scratched his head and looked out the window.

"It's alright, dear," she said, "she's a wonderful girl."

'That she is,' thought Remus, 'that she is.'

Molly lifted her teacup to her lips, but before she took a sip she said "Oh and don't think I don't see you gazing at that photo of you two," she smiled and took a sip of tea.  
Remus opened his mouth then closed it again and smiled instead.

-----

Tonks and Remus sat in the park opposite her apartment block. It was a nice, sunny day, the leafy trees provided shade and people from the neighborhood passed by lazily. They'd been sitting there quietly for a few hours just watching the sun go down. Remus had told Tonks how Dumbledore wanted him to live with the werewolves for a few months so he could gather inside information on what was going on with them.

"Apparently most of them have taken sides with Voldemort," he informed her," Dumbledore wants me to find out as much as I can."

Tonks took this information in rather sadly. She guessed she wouldn't be seeing him for a while.

"So we won't be seeing each other for a while?" she asked, not looking at him.

"I'm afraid so," he replied.

There was silence for a few long moments, until Tonks spoke.

"Remus," she said slowly.

"Mm?" he said, turning to look at her.

"You said a while ago that I could tell you anything?"

"I did, yes," he said, nodding, "is something wrong?"

Tonks thought for a moment, then smiled.

"No," she said, "nothing's wrong. I just… needed to tell you something, I guess."

Remus's eyes searched her face. Nothing was there. She was quite skilled at hiding things like that.

"Yes?" he said.

"Well," she said slowly, winding a lock of her pink hair around a finger and looking into the distant sun, "I've been thinking about all this time we've been spending together. Everything we do…" she paused, "Remus, I think, and I am so sure of it, I think I've fallen in love."

Remus's tired eyes were wide open.

"I…" he said.

"I totally get it if, you know, you don't feel the same," she said quickly, "I mean, I am a bit… odd," she laughed awkwardly, "but, Remus, I really do… love you."

She looked off into the sunset again.

"Tonks," Remus managed to say out of complete surprise, "I can't – it's just maybe I do feeling something, but I just can't…"

"You feel the same?"

"I think… well I suppose…"

"What stopping you, Remus?"

Remus sighed.

"We can't be, Tonks. Maybe if I weren't so…" he broke off.

"Weren't so what, Remus?" asked Tonks with a questioning look. "You feel the same way don't you? Doesn't that mean anything?"

"It means enough to say no. I care too much for you that I don't want to go about hurting you."

Tonks was silent. He cared to much that he couldn't be with her no matter how he felt? It made sense in a way, sure, but he didn't even want to try?

"Why?" she asked him, "Why can't we be together? We both feel the same."

"Because of me," he said simply, turning to face her.

He noticed she wasn't crying, although her eyes were filled with sadness. He saw, with shock, that her hair had lost its vibrant colour and was now a shade of mousy brown.

"I'm so sorry, Nymphadora."

Tonks nodded sadly. She lifted herself from the park bench and was about to walk home when she felt a familiar hand on her arm. She turned to face Remus, gave a feeble smile, then crossed the road and went home.

-----

Remus sat in the park, alone and confused. He had just refused to let himself love a woman who loved him back. He sat in the evening glow of the sun with a thousand thoughts racing through his mind. He thought he was too old. He knew he was too poor. The one thing that really stopped him was himself. Being a werewolf was far too dangerous. He would never be able to live with himself if he knew of anyone he hurt. And he definitely wouldn't want to live with himself if he had ever done anything to Tonks.  
He let out a long, sad sigh and placed his head in his hands and stared at the ground until it went dark.

-----

Tonks climbed the flight of stairs slowly, a heavy force weighing her down. She entered her apartment and peered out the lounge room window. He was still sitting there, head in hands. Tonks closed the curtains. She was confused and yet she understood. He was making excuses. She understood all of them clearly, but she didn't care for them. She loved him for everything he was, werewolf or not. She knew he felt the same way but he didn't want to be with her. Tonks collapsed into her green armchair, drew her knees up to her chin and fell asleep.

She woke at ten thirty at night feeling drained. Something made her heart heavy. She needed to talk to someone. A million names raced through her head. She finally decided on the kind face of Molly Weasley. Would she mind being woken up at this hour? Tonks decided just to apparate on the spot so she would be just outside the Burrow. She checked that she had her wand, put it in her pocket despite the constant reminding from Moody that she'd lose a buttock one day, and disapparated.  
She landed softly on her feet outside the Burrow. A light was on in the kitchen. Tonks walked slowly up the worn away path and knocked on the door.

"Who's there? Declare yourself!" came Molly's voice. It sounded a little worried.

"Molly, it's me, Tonks…"

"Tonks?"

"Yeah, you know… the one with the hair?"

"Yes, yes, I know dear," said Molly, quickly opening the door, "we're just taking some safety precautions is all."

Molly hurried Tonks over the threshold and into the kitchen.

"Do sit down, dear," Molly said as she pulled out a chair.

Tonks sat down as Molly bustled around the kitchen making tea.

"Sorry I've come at such an indecent hour, "Tonks apologised.

"Oh Tonks, you're welcome here whenever you like," said Molly kindly a she handed Tonks a large mug of tea and sat down opposite her, "but I am rather surprised to see you though," she added, "is there something troubling you, dear? You look ill."

Tonks sighed.

"Molly, I love him."

Molly gave her a sad little smile.

"I don't suppose 'him' is Remus is it?"

Tonks nodded.

"Well, I don't lie; I knew I saw it coming. I've been seeing it since last year. You look at him with such admiration. I know it when I see it, dear," said Molly.

Tonks said nothing. She just stared deeply into her mug. She was taking in every word but was not responding.

"Tonks, have you spoken to Remus?"

Tonks looked up and sighed a little. She swirled a silver teaspoon slowly and gently making a whirlpool in her tea. She watched the whirlpool spin and gradually stop. Then she spoke.

"Remus and I have been close for over a year now," she started, "Sirius introduced us. Remus, being the polite gentleman that he is, always spoke to me using my first name. I decided that after about two weeks of him being… polite… I should tell him that I would feel a lot more comfortable being called Tonks. He took it funnily, you know how he is. He didn't know what to say so I told him that he should start with 'Tonks'. It was funny, he tried but somehow he ended up calling me Nymphadora. So I told him "Remus, if you call me that once more I'm going to have to hex you!" and he laughed. That was the first time he laughed at one of my jokes and I couldn't help but smile. A really, really big smile," Tonks paused as if she was remembering the exact sound of his laughter, "When I found out he was a werewolf, he seemed to think I would avoid him. When I didn't, he began to be a little strange around me. He thought I wouldn't want to know him because of it, I guess he had too many bad experiences. He talked to me about it once. I just listened, never interrupted. When he stopped talking, I just held both of his hands in mine to show that I would never feel any different. He just said "thankyou"." Tonks paused again, studying her fingernails, "we've been really close since then. We tell each other everything; we go out together, have drinks together. I feel happy when I'm with him. I feel safe.

He was with me when I spent all that time in St Mungo's, you know. That meant so much to me, it did. And all this time, I could feel that it was going to happen. I knew I was going to fall for him. And I have. And I have spoken to him. I told him how I feel. He said he feels the same… but…" she stopped, feeling tears welling in her eyes.

Molly patted her hand.

"Can I guess that he told you that you and him would never work out?" she asked.

Tonks nodded, mopping her eyes with the sleeve of her black cloak. Molly sighed.

"Remus is a very selfless man," she said, looking the crying Tonks in the eye, "I'm guessing Remus wants to protect you. He believes he had the potential to hurt you and he doesn't want to let that happen. I know Remus well enough to know that he would never live with himself if he hurt anyone," Molly smiled, half sad and half reassuring; "I believe he loves you, dear. He loves you so much that he doesn't want to hurt you."

"And he doesn't realise that he's hurting me by refusing himself to, well… you know…" Tonks dribbled off, she couldn't say it.

"Love you?" Molly finished, "Tonks, dear, men are funny creatures," she sighed, "and Remus if no exception. I admit I know nothing about what goes on in their minds, but

Remus seems to have a rather complex mind. The more intelligent they are, the more complex their mind. Not to mention their feelings. I must say, Remus sounds as if he is far too complex for his own good. He needs to… simplify everything. He looks for answers in everything and if he can't find answers, he'll make excuses. I think you should really have a good, long chat with him, dear. Ask him why he won't let himself be with you, tell him how you feel about this," she sighed, "Tonks, considering all of this happened this afternoon it's really affected you. It won't make you feel any better to keep going on without talking to him."

Tonks took all of this in while staring at her upside down relfection in the teaspoon. She noticed that her hair had changed; it was now mousy-brown and somehow it didn't sit as it normally did. She looked at Molly, who was smiling in a sad sort of way, and she sighed. She was about to say something when there were three knocks at the door. Molly jumped up nervously with her wand out as she approached the door.

"Who's there? Declare yourself!" she said nervously.

"It is I," came a familiar voice, "Dumbledore, bringing Harry."

Molly opened the door quickly and welcomed them both in.

"Harry, dear! Gracious, Albus, you gave me a fright, you said not to expect you before morning!"

"We were lucky," said Dumbledore, "Slughorn proved much more persuadable than I expected. Harry's doing of course. Ah, hello Nymphadora!" he added cheerfully after spotting Tonks at the table.

Tonks looked up. She had been staring deeply into her teacup, processing her thoughts.

"Hello, Professor," she said, forcing a smile, "Wotcher, Harry."

"Hi, Tonks," replied Harry.

There was an awkward pause as Tonks sat gazing into nothing. She shook her head and stood up quickly.

"I'd better be off," she said hurridly, pulling her cloak around her shoulders, "Thanks for the tea and sympathy, Molly."

She headed for the door.

"Please don't leave on my account," said Dumbledore courteously, "I cannot stay, I have urgent matters to discuss with Rufus Scrimgeour."

Tonks really didn't want to stay, she hadn't enjoyed the interruption.

"No, no, I need to get going," she said, looking past Dumbledore's eyes, "Night - "

"Dear, why not come to dinner at the weekend, Remus and Mad Eye are coming - "

"No, really, Molly..." she gave her a knowing look, "thanks anyway... goodnight, everyone."

Molly looked at Tonks sadly as she hurried out the door and into the yard. She stopped, turned on the spot, and disapparated.

-----

Remus had apparated home after he saw the first star. He was stuck with a thousand thoughts floating around in his mind. He though of these as he walked down his quiet street. Had he done the right thing?

"Well of course," responded his mind, "She won't get hurt this way."

"It's for her own good."

"She'd be better off with you."

"She doesn't need me. I have nothing for her."

"She needs you. Have you seen her? She needs someone to love her. You can love her."

"Maybe I can, but so can other men. I'm nothing special."

"You must be special, she seems to think so. And she wants you."

Remus came to a halt out the front of a small terrace.

Home.

He let himself inside. He looked over at the fire place, staring at the charcoal left behind from the previous fire. He took out his wand and lit a fire. He stared at the orange flames for a moment, thought to himself, then whipped out his wand again and gave it a little flick. The flames turned bright pink.  
Remus smiled a little as he sat down on his favourite armchair.  
"What I would give to be sitting here with her knowing she was in no danger from me," he said quiety to himself as he gazed deeply into the pink flames.  
-----

Remus woke late the next morning, curled up in his armchair. Only pink embers remained in the fireplace. He instantly thought of Tonks when he saw the embers and a heavy feeling began to sweall in his heart. He remembered the day before as he got up to make himself breakfast. He shook his head over a frypan of eggs and bacon. As he plated up his breakfast and sat down he found himself no longer wanting to eat it. He just looked down at the food on his plate, pushed it away and put his head in his hands as he had done the night before. He sat like this for a while, full of mixed emotions. Remus picked up his knife and stabbed in angrily into the table as he got up. He began pacing around his house and the next thing he knew he was upstairs in his bedroom with a decorative wooden photo frame in his grasp. Remus gazed down at the photo of him and Tonks and he found a small tear slide down his cheek.

Later that day, Remus was at the Burrow enjoying a peaceful dinner with the Weasley's, Harry, Hermione and Mad-Eye. He found himself listening to the others conversations and hardly saying two words himself. Harry was telling Ron, Hermione and Ginny about what he got up to at the Dursley's for the few weeks he was there, Arthur, Bill and Mad-Eye were talking Ministry talk, and Fleur was attempting to describe to Molly how she wanted her wedding dress. Remus was happy just to sit and listen. He didn't feel like socialising much, but he spoke when someone asking him something. His expression showed a good mood, yet he often drifted off into his own thoughts. He must've drifted off for a while because once he'd snapped back into reality he realised the plates were being cleared.

He heard Molly say something.

"Pardon, sorry," appologised Remus.

"Your plate, dear," repeated Molly, "have you finished?"

"Oh, yes, it was lovely, Molly, thankyou," said Remus passing her his plate.

He helped Molly and Arthur with the washing up while Mad-Eye was still talking in a low voice with Bill at the table. Everyone else had gone off to their rooms.

"Well, I better get some sleep," yawned Arthur after the last plate had been dried. "It was great seeing you two again," he added to Remus and Mad-Eye, "Take care," he shook their hands, gave Molly a peck on the cheek and went upstairs.

Mad-Eye stood up too.

"I best be off aswell," he said, "thanks for dinner, Molly. Good to talk, Bill," he turned to Remus, "you take care of yourself, okay, Remus?"

Remus nodded and gave him a faint smile.

Mad-Eye gave a growling laugh as he patted him a little too roughly on the back.

"Well, night everyone."

Mad-Eye walked out the back door and a few seconds late a small 'pop' was heard telling them he had Disapparated.

"Well," said Molly, "I say we move into the lounge room, I'd rather like to finish some knitting."

Molly, Bill and Remus moved into the lounge room. Remus sat himself in an armchair closest to the unlit fireplace.

"So how've you been, Remus?" asked Molly as she picked up what looked like a half finished sweater.

"I've been doing okay..." replied Remus slowly, gazing into the fireless fireplace.

"You hardly said two words over dinner," said Bill, "not your usual conversational self."

"Mm," said Remus, "I've had a few things on my mind..."

"It hasn't got anything to do with Tonks by any chance?" asked Molly innocently.

Remus's eyes widened and he took in a sharp breath. He continued to look into the fireplace, his back to Molly and Bill, but he could feel two sets of eyes on him.

Bill glanced over at his mother.

"Is that why...?" he began, but Molly cut through.

"She was here last night, Remus," she said, "she didn't look too well."

Remus sighed to acknowledge that he'd heard, yet he said nothing.

"She's rather upset you kn-"

"I know," said Remus abruptly, still looking into the fireplace. "I know. It's my fault."

"Do you, er..." Bill hesitated, "want to talk about it?"

Remus paused for a moment then turned to face Bill and Molly. They both had questioning anxious looks upon them. Remus was silent as he glanced at Bill, to Molly, then back to Bill. He tried to choose his words carefully.

"She's... fallen in love," he said, then made a funny face. "With me," he added.

"Well that's lovely," said Bill genuinely, "she's a brilliant girl, Tonks is."

"Mm, she is," agreed Remus, "but there's a problem."

"Oh?" said Molly looking up from her knitting, "I can't find any problems about either of you."

"Molly, I'm the problem. I'm a werewolf. Do you know how dangerous that is? She could get hurt. And besides that, I'm sure she'd rather someone young."

Bill rolled his eyes.

"Remus, mate, thirty six is hardly old. And if she was afraid of werewolves she wouldn't be talking to you would she?"

"I think you're missing the point. I'm the problem. I'm far too dangerous and I can barely support myself. Tonks obviously mustn't know of this otherwise."

"She knows you're a werewolf," said Molly gently, "she doesn't care about that either. Remus, she loves you because of who you are."

"And I don't think you making up lame excuses will change her mind," added Bill.

"They are perfectly legitimate reasons as to why I can't be with Tonks," said Remus steadily.

"So what you're saying," said Bill, "is that Tonks loves you, you love tonks, and yet you refuse to be with her because of something that happens once a month?"

"Precisely," said Remus," but becoming a werewolfe once a month is a very dangerous - "

"I think you're afraid."

"Of course I'm afraid! I don't want to hurt her!" said Remus loudly as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"And you aren't aware that you might be hurting her already?" asked Molly with a sad smile.

Remus stopped. He hadn't thought of it that way. Had turning Tonks down really hurt her more than anything he could physically do? He hated to think of it. He looked at Bill and Molly, then at his hands which were folded neatly in his lap.

"I..." he said.

"Should talk to her," finished Molly, Bill nodding in agreement.

Remus sighed.

"Maybe later next week. It's full moon on tuesday. I might drop by her place thursday night," he said, the noticing the hopeful looks on their faces he added, "I _might_."

Molly's hopeful look faded a little.

"Remus, you have to promise me you'll talk to her soon. She's not the best, you know. She looks quite ill..."

Remus sighed again.

"I'll talk to her okay? But I have doubts that it will do any good."

"But atleast then you will know you've talked," said Bill.

Remus knew Bill was right. Talking may not solve anything but atleast there would be some effort put into trying to fix it.

* * *

CHAPTER FINISHED! And about time too. Sorry heaps for not updating it quickly. Chapter three coming soon-ish (but don't trust me, okay?). 

Love the reviews, thanks heaps you wonderful people!


	3. Bertie Botts: A Risk With Every Mouthful

_I don't know what I've done or if I like what I've begun - **Where I Stood - Missy Higgins **_

* * *

Tonks had a long, lonely weekend. She thought it best for her to stay home and yet staying home felt even more lonely. She slept most of Saturday, having been up all night, but she decided that she would go out on Sunday. 

She woke early on Sunday morning, having spent the better half of a whole day sleeping, at seven. She crawled out of bed in her blue flanelette pyjama bottoms and an old Weird Sisters shirt. She she stumbled into the kitchen to make herself a hot chocolate for breakfast she found, much to her dislike, she was out of Honeydukes Specialty Hot Chocolate Drink Mix. Tonks hadn't planned her day as of yet but at this she quickly decided a day out in Hogsmeaded was the go. She'd visit Honeydukes for some hot chocolate mix and other sweets she might fance, Gladrags Wizardwear to maybe buy herself a bright new scarf for winter, and then go for a drink at the Three Broomsticks.

She dressed slowly, pulling on a denim skirt, a black shirt, purple cloak, striped rainbow socks and her favourite boots. She attempted to change her hair colour back to pink but it remained lifeless and dull. Tonks made an annoyed sniff at her inability to change her hair as she pulled out her wand and Disapparated to High Street in Hogsmeade.

The cheery faces surrounding her suddenly made her feel a little lighter as she strolled down the street to Gladrags. She walked into the shop, which was almost empty except for the witch at the counter and a little old lady looking at hats. Tonks had a wander around loooking at birantly coloured robes and cloaks before finding the scarf rack. At such a variety her mind felt it hard to catch up with what her eyes were looking at. There were scarves galore. Scarves that changed their tartan pattern every few seconds, scarves that were made of something soft and feathy, scarves for chirstmas that hummed Christmas carols, scarves with moving stripes. Tonks finally decided on a deep purple coloured scarf sprinkled with little flashing silver stars. She paid for her new scarf and left the store. Out on the street it was a windy day, strange for summer. Men, women and their families bustled about against the strong winds. She passed a couple holding hands and she felt a little tug at her heart. Tonks walked a bit fasted away from them.

She spent the morning peering into shop windows, not particularly buying anything, just happy to look. She stopped off at the Three Broomsticks for a Butterbeer in the early afternoon. She saw a few people she knew but somehow she felt she didn't want to talk with them. Tonks avoided eye contact as she drank the warm, golden liquid, feeling her mood lift. She loved that about Butterbeet, that it made her feel all happy and warm inside.

Tonks left the Three Broomsticks an hour later, three Butterbeers fuller, and a whole heap happier. She strolled around Hogsmeade feeling light and floaty and she couldn't help smiling. Tonks was almost about to call it a day whn she realised she hadn't gone to Honeydukes. Oh how she loved Honeydukes Wall the wall sweets in so many different types and flavours you couldn't even name them all. A little bell tinkled above her as she walked into the shop. A delightful sugary scent instantly filled her nostrils. Tonks's first move was to the Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans, he absolute favourite. She chose out the largest box and clutched it in her hands as she browsed through the 'special effects' section, before moving to the wall where every variety of Honeydukes chocolate was laid out before her. There was the ordinary milk chocolate, whie chocolate and dark chocolate, then there was mint chocolate, custard white chocolate, chocolate with honeycomb, chocolate with cherries, marbled chocolate, each with it's own unique tase and velvety texture. Tonks grabbed a tin of drinking chocolate mix and surveyed the blocks of chocolate, pondering on which to buy. She had just went to reach for a slab of white chocolate when the little bell above the door tinkled and a gust of wind came in along with the man who also stepped across the threshold. Tonks grabbed her chocolate and turned to look at the customer just out of curiosity. Her eyes widened; it was Remus. She looked at him and quickly ducked out of sight, peering through the shelf between the chocolate wall and the shelf filled with acid and blood pops. Her eyes follwed Remus to the shelf holding the great slabs of chocolate, her heart racing. She watched as he stood pondering over which chocolate to choose, eventually seeing his hand go for a block of dark chocolate. Tonks decided now was a good time to purchase her stuff and leave. She hurried over to the counter, handing over her beans, chocolate and drink mix as the friendly witche put them in a large paper bag. Tonks took no glances back as she paid for her things and left the store, the familiar tinkling sound ringing above her.

---------------

'Well that was odd,' thought Remus.

He had justed popped into Honeydukes to pick up a nice supply of chocolate for a week (he liked to have chocolate during full moon) when he heard a tinkling sound as the door opened and a familiar, young, heart-shaped faced witch in rainbow socks left carrying a large paper bag. He was most certain Tonks hadn't seen him or else otherwise he might have struck up a conversation with her and invited her to talk over a drink at the Three Broomsticks. He stood for a moment considering which block of dark chocolate to buy, eventually making his decision. He was about to make his way to the counter when he found himself surveying a selection of sweets. Something told him to buy a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans, so he grabbed one of the smaller boxes and took it to the counter to pay. Something inside him told him that the beans might do some good throughout the week.

Remus stepped out into the windy street looking around himself. He couldn't find any sign of Tonks. Remus sighed as he trudged up High Street clutching his chocolate and beans to the Three Broomsticks for a firewhisky to drink alone.

---------------

Tonks was breating heavily. She had taken a few steps away from Honeydukes and Apparated home instantly. She was sitting at ther kitchen table, her back straight and her eyes wide.

'Bloody Hell!' she thought, 'why didn't I just talk to him then?'

Tonks stood up, blank expression on her face, shopping bags left unpacked and walked straight to her bedroom. She laid on her bed staring at the white ceiling, her heart beating and her mind on the one man. She was like this for a few hours before she finally fell asleep.

---------------

Remus packed a bag with a good book, chocolate and a change of clothes. It was going to be a long night. He had a small shack up in the mountains in a very isolated place. He knew for sure that no one knew it's whereabouts and he made sure of it. He went on Tuesday afternoon, prepared for a painful night by himself.

---------------

He woke with a start. It was wednesday, around midday, sun pouring in through the windows, warm on his scratched and bleeding skin. He felt his cheek; a long scratch etched into it convered with dried blood. Remus gave a huge yawn and pulled himself up from the floor as he searched around for his bag. He didn't want to be here a moment longer. He grabbed his stuff and apparated home where he spent the day sleeping.

---------------

There was a knock at the door.

Tonks groaned. It was a hot night and she'd had troubled getting to sleep. She rolled out of bed wearing nothing but a daggy singlet top and a paid of short shorts. It really was that hot.

There was another knock.

"Alright!" she called grumpily as she felt her away along the hall, lighting up the room with her wand.

There was another knock.

"Bloody Hell!" she cursed, "I'm coming alright! Just hold your - Remus!"

He stood in her doorway wearing what looked like his pyjamas: as paid of striped pyjama bottoms and an old shirt accompained by a pair of holey slippers. He had a box of Bertie Botts in his hands.

"I - uh - fancied a chat," he said, a little startled by Tonks's attire.

"At three in the morning?" she asked, giving a huge yawn without pardon.

Remus averted his eyes away from here.

"Well... I er... you see... I... well... yes."

Tonks opened the door wider, gesturing him inside. He nodded and entered, looking around at anything that wasn't the thin figure in short shorts, as the thin figure locked the door. Without a word Tonks walked into the kitchen, Remus followed hesistantly after her, trying his best not to look at her and rather around him. Tonks had gotten out two rather large mugs and was putting heaped teaspoons of Honeydukes Specialty Hot Chocolate Drinking Mix into them. She made the hot chocolates in silence as Remus stood there in her kitchen feeling quite uncomfortable and unsure whether or not to say anything. She handed him a floral mug and walked back into the lounge room and sat on the lounge. Remus followed her, pausing for a moment before her sat down next to her.

Tonks sat and stared deeply at the wall infront of them. Now that her face was well lit Remus could see just how ill she really looked. Tonks's hair had lost it's vibrant colour, her eyes gone colourless and her face had gotten paler. There was something about her posture that didn't seem right either, her shoulders were kind of slumped forward. Her appearance shocked Remus and he felt a pang of guilt stab him.

"You don't look well," said Tonks suddenly, still not looking at him.

Indeed he didn't. He was covered in fresh cuts and he must've looked extremely pale and he knew heavy dark patches hung below his eyes.

"I've felt better," Remus said truthfully. He took a sip of the hot chocolate Tonks had made for him. It warmed him up inside (despite the fact that the night was already very hot) and he suddenly felt a little bit happied to be sitting there on the little lounge with Tonks.

"So have I," said Tonks sadly.

Remus turned to look at her. She looked so genuinely sad.

"Remus why - ?"

"I'm sorry," he cut through.

Tonks gazed at him with questioning eyes.

Remus continued.

"I think I've been avoiding this but I also think we both need to talk about it..." he broke off.

There was an awkward silence.

"Me too," said Tonks with a sigh.

More awkward silence followed. Neither spoke for about three minutes, then...

"I love you."

Tonks could've dropped her mug then and there. These were the words she was least expecting to hear from him. She could've easily guessed that her face was a mixture of surprise, confusion, shock and elation. All she could do was stare at him and sutter. Remus raised a gentle hand to stop her from suttering.

"I love you," he repeated, Tonks heart doing a little flip. "It's just," there they were, the two words she didn't want to hear. "I don't think we can ever be together."

He broke from her gaze and sighed.

Tonks looked away also. She took a sip from her mug.

"Why, Remus?" she eventually asked, staring at the wall once again.

"Because..." he began, but stopping trying to choose the best words.

"Because of you?" Tonks offered in a small voice.

"Yes," Remus found himself forcing the word out of him as if he didn't want to.

Tonks merely nodded.

"I'm just not... right. I'm too old and I haven't got a job and... I'm too..." this was the part Remus had trouble with. "I'm just too... dangerous."

He said this bitterly, shaking his head.

Tonks drained her mug and set it down on the coffee table infront of her. She ran one hand through her lank hair and sighed.

"You know, Remus, I really don't care. Age is nothing and these days most jobs are controlled by the Ministry and you know... I hate the Ministry, you know that!" she paused, Remus sat really still - there was one more thing he needed to hear. "And remus, I know. I know that you're a werewolf. I'm aware of that and I don't care. It never stopped us from being friends, why should it stop us from being together? Remus, there's nothing to stop us."

He was quiet. It was Remus's turn to stare at the wall now. Tonks looked at him, wishing he would say something but he said nothing. She decided not to press on, instead she got up and picked up the two mugs and took them back to the kitchen - he didn't follow. Tonks cleaned the mugs silently, not wanting to go back into the lounge room and disturbing his thoughts. She knew she'd have to though. She glanced at the kitchen clock; it read four fifteen. Little talking had happened within the hour and a quarter and she was sure not much more was going to happen.

When Tonks reluctantly returned back to the loungeroom she was shocked to find Remus sitting there, his eyes red and his face wet, and he was holding the box of beans he had brought over. He looked up when he felt her presence and smiled a little.

"I, uhm, brought you some beans," he said quietly.

Tonks smiled and sat back down next to him.

"Thankyou," she said to him.

Remus opened the box and drew out a tiny, pink bean and gave it to her. She popped it in her mouth and smiled.

"Coconut ice," she smiled, taking the box from him and drawing out a small brown bean. She was uncertain for a moment whether to give him the bean. Tonks had had bad experiences with brown beans. She felt, though, this time may be different. She gave the bean to Remus who put it in his mouth and pulled a funny face.

"Oh..." breathed Tonks, worried that the brown bean had failed her again.

Remus, noticing her look of worry, laughed.

"I was kidding around, Tonks. It was chocolate milkshake."

The both laughed.

"Did you knwo these were my favourite?" asked Tonks.

"I had a feeling the might be," said Remus as he carefully chose another pink bean out for Tonks, knowing that pink was the safest coloured bean there was. He leaned over and carefully placed the bean in her mouth. The touch of her lips on his fingers sent a shiver up his spine.

Tonks felt the same. His fingers on her lips made goosebumps erupt on the back of her neck. She chewed the bean, swallowed it and smiled.

"Strawberry cheesecake," she choked a little, taking another brown bean from the box.

She leaned in slowly, popping the bean in his mouth, feeling the goosebumps come back with the feel of his lips on her fingers. His shivers came back at the feel of her fingers in his lips.

"Chocolated" he choked a little, taking yet another pink bean.

He edged closer to her. Remus placed the tiny, pink bean in her mouth but his hand gently lingered, holding the side of her delicate face. He felt her jaw move as she chewed the bean and he felt her moved at she swallowed it.

"Bubblegum," she whispered, her eyes wide and locked with his.

Remus lent in closer, their faces only centimetres apart. He lifted up his other hand gently to her face.

He lent in closer, their lips touching. He kissed her. She kissed him. His hands gently holding her face, her hands tangled in his greying hair. They stayed this way for what seemed an age, holding each other close.

Remus broke away from her, for a second gazing longingly into Tonks's eyes, which seemed to sparkle. He let go of her face and a wave of guilt washed over him. He looked at her in the eyes and realised.

"Oh God..." he breathed worridly.

Tonks's eyes lost their sparkle almost immediately.

Remus looked around the room wildly. He was still very close to her.

"Oh God," he repeated, standing up shaking his head.

"Remus..."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I shouln't have done that... I shouldn't've..."

"But..."

"I'm sorry, Tonks. That should not have happened," he was very quiet. "I should go."

"But, Remus..."

He moved towards the door.

"I'm sorry," he repeated over and over again as he opened it.

"Remus," said Tonks, gently touching his elbow.

He looked her in the eye, both sets were filled with sadness.

"I'm sorry," Remus said one last time, looking into her colourless eyes and shaking his head.

There was a small click as she shut the door and a small 'pop' as he left.

Tonks stood facing the door which Remus had left from, he hand up to her cheek which he had held only moments ago. She felt herself shaking and she let the tears flow freely from her eyes.

---------------

Remus was furious with himself. He threw things around his bedroom. Books, clothes, pillows, a burnt out candle, a half eaten chocolate bar, all were lying out of place across the floor. He sank low on his bed, breathing heavily, his face stained with tears.

What had he done? He had gone over there to talk to her, to tell how much he loved her, to explain why they couldn't be togetherm so appologise, maybe to fix things. Instead he had made things worse. He had kissed her. He had kissed her after telling her they couldn't be together. He was such a hypocrite.

Remus had no idea how on earth he was going to be able to talk things over with her now. She would be hurt and furious. He didn't even know if she would want to talk to him. What would she do if he turned up tomorrow wanting to talk? Would she invite him in and let him explain even more things? Or would she just close the door on him? He had really messed things up now.

He glanced at the clock on his bedside table, it ready five forty. He was dead tired. Grabbing one of the pillows he had thrown furiously around the room, Remus laid it under his head as he curled up tightly under the blankets, his face still wet from tears. If Sirius had been here he would know exactly what to say. But he wasn't here and Remus was on his own.

---------------

Tonks woke late that morning finding herself curled up on her lounge with a spilt box of beans around her. She propped herself up on her elbow, he mind processing the scene. When she finally understood, tears began to well in her eyes. She blinked them back as she got up and began replacing the beans in the box, one by one. Once she had recollected all the beans she knelt on her soft carpeted floor, her elbows folded on the seat of the lounge. She ran her fingers over her lips, remembering vividly the lips of his on hers. She tried hard to shake this memory out of her head but it was just must too strong and so hard to forget. She couldn't quite understand what she was feeling for Remus at this stage. Half of her was deeply in love with him, the other half was a mix on anger and hurt. She picked up the box of beans that had be ever so carefully packed and dropped them in the bin with a hollow thud sounding afterwoods.

* * *

**Wow, that came quick. Hope you enjoyed this chapter, I reckon some of you may have. Tune in for chapter four some time in the next decade (I'm so slow at getting these chapters up, it's such a problem).**


	4. Metamorphmosing

_Don't change a thing for me - **INXS - Don't Change**_

* * *

"So how is she, Remus?"

Remus looked up feeling uncomfortable.

"I don't know, Molly," he replied truthfully.

A week after that eventful morning at Tonks's and he was once again sitting in the Weasley's lounge room, this time with Molly, Bill and Arthur. It was Harry's birthday but they had all gone off to bed full of cake.

"You mean you haven't spoken to her yet?" asked Bill.

Remus's eyes shifted around the room uncomfortably.

"Well... no," he lied.

Mr Weasley looked up from his copy of the _Prophet_ to study Remus.

"This wouldn't happen to be about Tonks would it?" he said.

'Oh great,' thought Remus, 'another person to lecture me about it.'

Remus was kind of annoyed knowing that Arthur was also going to try and give his thoughts on the matter. Remus was a grown man, he knew how to sort things out. Instead of saying any of this out loud, Remus just nodded and said, "yes, Arthur, it is about Tonks."

"Ah," replied Arthur thoughtfully as he went back to reading the paper.

Molly however had a stern look as she looked at Remus.

"You know," she said, "that Dumbledore wants you to start your work in two weeks time. You won't be seeing her for quite a while. I really think you should go and see her, even if it's just for a cup of tea or a game of chess."

Remus sat there ocasionally nodding and trying to look as if he cared about what she was saying. He knew there was more to do than just talking to Tonks, but trying to fix things would be much too hard.

"Remus, she's in a terrible state. She isn't well," said Molly.

"Have _you_ seen her?" asked Remus raising an eyebrow slightly.

Molly looked surprised by the tone of which his question was asked.

"Well... no. Not since she was here last, but - "

"I've seen her," Arthur cut through, not looking up from the _Prophet_. "She is looking quite terrible. Not her usual bright selt. It seems as if she's having trouble metamorphmosing," he looked up when he heard no replies and found a few puzzled looks. "She can't change her appearance," he added.

Molly and Bill gave sad, little nods. Remus felt another wave of guilt wash over him and he found it hard to meet anyones eyes.

"Do you knw why this would be, Remus?" asked Arthur gently.

Remus knew exactly why. He rubbed his brow then studied his hands. He tried to choose his words carefully.

"When a metamorphmagus is feeling..." his brow creased trying to find a good word. "Depressed," he said, "they will have trouble metamorphmosing. I suppose because changing their appearance requires alot of concentration, therefore if they are depressed their minds can't focus properly," he paused, then added, "depression can do funny things to us all."

Arthur continued to read the _Prophet_ but his mind was concentrating on Remus's words.

"So Tonks is depressed," he said.

It was a statement, not a question.

"I didn't say that - "

"But your explaination made it clear."

"Well I didn't mean she - "

"But you said, as I remember, that a metamorphmagus has trouble changing their appearance when they are dperessed."

"Yes, I did, but - "

"And Tonks is having trouble metamorphmosing, which would most likely mean she is depressed."

Arthur looked up at Remus, waiting for a decent reply. Again, Remus had to choose his words carefully, better than last time. He thought for a good, long while feeling three sets of eyes on him, all expecting him to say something. Remus sighed.

"Tonks is going through a hard time at the moment. With everything that has happened to her, it's understandable."

"Well then wouldn't it make more sense to talk with her if she's going through a hard time?" said Bill, "I mean, she would really appreciate the comfort don't you think?"

Remus was silent.

"You are absolutely right, Bill," said Molly, smiling at her son. "What she really needs right now if someone to comfort her and I really thing she's want you to be that person more than anyone else, Remus."

Remus remained silent.

"I get the feeling you might have to see her sooner or later anyway," said Arthur absent mindedly.

Remus sighed again knowing it was innevitable that he'd have to see her eventually, he couldn't avoid her for life, but the question was a matter of when.


	5. A Few Awkward Meetings

_Making my own way home, ain't gonna be alone -** Going to a Town - Rufus Wainwright**_

* * *

An owl was tapping at the window. Remus got up from his kitchen table to open the window and let the owl in. It had a letter attached to its leg. He took it off. A familiar, loopy handwriting adorned the letter. Remus read it.

_Dear Remus,_

_I am hoping that we could meet for a talk about the job which I have assigned you. If it would be convenient to you, would you please meet me in my office at Hogwarts next Wednesday at 2 pm._

_I am looking forward to seeing you._

_Kind regards,_

_Albus Dumbledore_

Remus finished reading the letter and wrote a reply on a spare piece of parchment and sent it off with the owl. He was dreading this job. He didn't want to do it but he felt he could not refuse Dumbledore when he owed him so much.

---------------

A little note fluttered over to Tonks's desk and landed swiftly on top of a pile of paper work she had been doing. It looked as if it had been delivered by owl at first but then bewitched to soom its way around the Ministry to her desk at the Auror office. It was addressed to her in long, thin, loopy handwriting. Tonks opened the letter curiously.

_Dear Nymphadora,_

_I request a meeting with you next Wednesday at 1:30pm in my office at Hogwarts. I understand you may have other dutied to attend to and if this is the case you may suggest a more convenient time._

_Hoping to see you soon._

_King regards,_

_Albus Dumbledore_

Tonks finished reading the letter, rather perplexed. Why would Dumbledore was to see her? She considered Wednesday might be a bit of a bother and hard to get out of work but she would give any excuse to leave the office early these days. As soon as she got home that afternoon she replied to Dumbledore's letter saying she would be meeting him at the said time.

---------------

"Ah, Nymphadora, it's lovely to see you," Dumbledore looked up from a piece of parchment and smiled. "Please, take a seat," he gestured towards the chair opposite his on the other side of his desk. He folded the piece of parchment and tucked it into a drawer under his desk. "You are unaware as to why I requested this meeting, am I correct?"

Tonk nodded.

"Well," continued Dumbledore, "I would like you to be one of a group of selected Aurors who will be stationed at Hogsmeade to give the school some extra protection. We do have anti-intruder jinxes, as you are fully aware of, but since the return of Lord Voldemort I think extra security would be a wise thing to have."

Tonks nodded again.

"So, would you like to take up this position, Nymphadora?"

Tonks thought about it for a moment. It's upside would be that she wouldn't have to go into the office every day; the downside was that it could get boring. But then again, the office was always boring. She looked up into Dumbledore's kind face.

"Thankyou, Professor," she said, "I would be glad to help out."

"Thankyou kindly, Nymphadora. Would you be able to start on August thirty first?"

Tonks nodded.

"Well, that's that taken care of," said Dumbledore happily. "I'll let the others know. Now," he added, "you're looking unusually glum, Nymphadora. I must say I am a little worried you aren't your usual self. Might I ask if something is troubling you?"

"Oh, no, Professor. It's nothing, really. I'm just a little," Tonks paused, frowning a little, "down," she finished.

"I'm sorry to hear this, Nymphadora. I daresay nothing I say can cheer you up. Would you prefer not to talk about it?"

"Oh, Professor, it's not that I don't want to talk about it, it's just that I'm finding it hard what to say that's the problem. I mean, it's kinda of compli - "

She was cut off by someone opening the door of the office as if they did it every day.

"Dumbledore, we need a word," said a familiar voice. Tonks turned around in her seat, surprised to see Severus Snape standing there. "Oh," he added after spotting a gloomy looking Tonks.

"As you have noticed, Severus, I am already in the company of Nymphadora here. She has just taken up the position in Hogsmeade," Dumbledore smiled, "I'm so sorry, Severus, but I cannot talk with you just year. I'm expecting a few more visitors. If you can come back later this afternoon prehaps?"

Snape nodded. "Right," he said.

There was a small silence, Dumbledore humming a little. He checked his watch.

"My, it's five to two. I do hate to be rude but I must ask you both to leave. I'm expecting another visitor in five minutes. Well, goodbye," Dumbledore nodded Tonks and Snape out of his office.

Tonks and Snape walked silently together. She hated being around him, he made her feel uncomfortable.

"I always though pink suited you better," said Snape in a snide voice. "Why brown?"

Tonks just shot him a bitter glance.

"Must you look so rudely at me, Nymphadora?" he said in a patronising voice. "You don't look... well," he noted, "Now why would that be?"

"Like I'd go around tell you things like that," snapped Tonks.

"Is it Black?" asked Snape, his mouth twisting.

Tonks stopped walking and looked at him furiously. She was just about to snap something back when a figure appeared almost out of nowhere down the end of the corridor. There was no mistaking the brown hair flecked with grey and the prematurely lined face.

"Snape?" he said, walking up to them. "Tonks?"

Tonks's eyes went wide and she could feel her face getting hot. Snape looked at Remus and his eyes narrowed.

"Lupin," said Snape. "What are you doing here?"

"I've come to see Dumbledore," Remus replied calmly. Looking at Tonks, he said, "How are you, Tonks?"

He knew, of course, the answer should probably be along the lines of "worse than last time". He could see it too. She was even more thinner, her hair had gotten mousy-er, her eyes a strange colour they had never been before, and he noticed that her nose was slightly less pointed than usual.

"Fine," said Tonks in a low voice, avoiding his eyes.

Remus noticed the tinge of pink in her pale cheeks. He smiled at her; she did not return the smile, instead she avoided his eyes and continued with keeping a glum look on her face.

"Okay," replied Remus, unsure of what to say next. "Well... er... right then..."

Snape was standing next to Tonks, noting the discomfort between Remus and Tonks. He glanced from Tonks's pink cheeks to Remus's nervous face. His mouth curled into a sly smile.

There was an awkward moment before Remus said, "Well, I better go. Dumbledore will be wanting to see me." He nodded briefly to both of them. "I'll be seeing you then, Tonks, Severus." And with that he walked hastily past them and up to Dumbledore's office.

Once Remus had gone out of earshot Snape spoke.

"Poor Lupin doesn't look too well does he?" he said with a shrewed smile. "He looks just as run down and tired as you, Nymphadora."

Tonks was fed up. "Snape, why do you care?" she asked. "It's not as if you'd care how Remus is. You don't even like him."

Snape's smile grew more twisted. "You may be correct in saying that, but..."

Tonks had tuned out, realising the smile on Snape's face meant something. It meant that he had seen the awkward tension between her and Remus. Her jaw dropped without her realising that it had.

"... so, Nymphadora, I would say you'd better not go getting yourself into any trouble, now."

Tonks blinked. "Oh... right. Well I'm going back to Hogsmeade. Don't you have some place to be?"

"As a matter of fact, I do. Good day to you," Snape gave her a quick nod and smiled one of his creepy all-knowing smiles as he turned abruptly down a smalled corridor.

Tonks stood there alone in the long corridor. She had never realised how big it really was until now, when she was all alone. She began to walk towards the exit, her footsteps echoing loudly, and into Hogsmeade. There were some ghosts that drifted by (the Fat Friar calling out as he passed), but other than that she did not run into anyone else, much to her pleasure.

Tonks walked High Street feeling miserable. She would be spending a year here. Tonks kicked a pebble along the road as she passed all the familiar shops, eventually her feet taking her to Honeydukes. She'd had no plan to go to Honeydukes - she didn't need to - but she found herself inside the store, the sugary scent wafting into her nose. Next thing she knew she was leaving the store with a bag of white, dark and marbled chocolate clutched in her hands, not even knowing why she bought them.

It was only half-past two and Tonks had no desire to go back to work for the afternoon (she had specifically asked for the weekend off), and nor did home have any particular desire about it. She walked past the Three Broomsticks seeing happy faces light up the windows and she really didn't want to be there either, even though she felt like having a drink. She turned up a small side street next to the post office and kept walking until she found the Hog's Head at the end of it. Tonks pushed open the creaky door and found it almost deserted except for the grumpy looking barman and a couple of wizards talking in hushed voices in the corner. The barman looked up as Tonks approached the counter.

"What do you want?" the barman grumbled.

'Wow, lovely hospitality,' thought Tonks sarcastically. "A firewhisky would be great," she said instead.

The barman raised an eyebrow and slammed a large glass of firewhisky onto the counter. "Four sickles."

Tonks handed over the silver and took her drink to a candle lit table by the window. There she say, miserable and alone, drinking.

---------------

"S-Sunday?"

"Yes, Remus, sunday. I'm sorry I've had to spring this on you on such a short notice but this plan needs to go ahead and it has to be Sunday. You know why, of course," said Dumbledore simply.

Full mood the week after, thought Remus.

Dumbledore continued. "I do understand it won't be the easiest thing for you to do, but it's necessary. You can send reports ever now and then..."

Remus tuned out, as he seemed to be doing alot these days. He knew the usual words: absolutely necessary, inside information, man for the job. That's what it would always be.

"... so I hope you can start Sunday," finished Dumbledore.

Remus blinked. "Oh, yes, Sunday I suppose," he had nothing better to do anyway... well except one thing.

Dumbledore smiled. "You are a good man, Remus. And now I must ask you something else," Remus looked rather annoyed by this and had opened his mouth to say something back but Dumbledore had already continued. "Is something troubling you otherwise?"

Remus sighed and rubbed his forehead. "To be honest, Professor, I don't really know. I'm not feeling the best."

"That is most unfortunate, Remus. You seem to feeling just as our dear Nymphadora is," Dumbledore's blue eyes twinkled. "I do hope you are feeling better soon."

"Thankyou, Professor," said Remus.

Remus had moved to the door and was just about the leave when Dumbledore spoke once more.

"Do keep in mind, Remus, that maybe talking to someone could help," he looked over his half moon glasses. "Other people can be a bit of a surprising help sometimes."

Dumbledore smiled and gave a friendly wave as Remus slid from the room with his words still fresh in his mind.

Remus walked slowly, hands in his pockets, down the long, empty, echoing corridors. He felt lonely. He had about four days left to talk to Tonks, and he knew he had to. There was too much left unsaid and unexplained. He sighed as he left the Castle and made his way into Hogsmeade. His talk with Dumbledore had been long (and he hadn't listened for most of it). It was now four in the afternoon and the people out in Hogsmeade were all busy trying to make their way home. Remus watched the people as the walked about with purpose, he just walked along aimlessly. Passing the Three Broomsticks, he saw it was still crowded with happy people all drinking merrily. That kind of jolly company was not the most inviting to him.

The sun was setting slowly as he continued to walk aimlessly. It was about an hour later that he finally decided to go for a drink. Remus turned up a small side street and came to the Hog's Head. He pushed open the door, a little surprised to see it occupied by more than a few people. Of course, though, everyone that went to the Hog's Head always spoke in low voices, so it was always quiet anyway.

"Remus, what do you want?" grunted the barman as Remus approached the counter.

"Just a firewhisky, thankyou, Aberforth," replied Remus politely. He paid for his firewhisky and looked around for a place to sit. He scanned the room, eventually finding a familiar young witch sitting by herself next to the window. Remus smiled to himself and went to sit opposite. As he drew closer her saw two empty tankards and a half empty one surrounding her.

"Evening, Nymphadora," said Remus, "mind if I sit with you?"

Tonks made a gesutre that was hard to uunderstand. Remus took this as a yes and sat down. He drank deeply from his tankard.

"So... ah... how are you?" he asked carefully.

Tonks looked up. Remus could have sworn he was looking into a mirror. Her hair was lank and mousy and short, her eyes a dark brown and a little red, she looked tired and rundown, the candlelight helping to highlight her most tired features.

"Okay..." said Remus slowly, regretting that he'd even asked.

"I feel," said Tonks in a hoarse voice, "crap."

Remus swallowed and she half glared, half gazed at him with her tired eyes.

"And it's because of you. You just can't do that! I mean, you show up at my place at some ungodly hour telling me we need to talk, telling me you love me but we can't be together, and then you go and kiss me! Who the Hell does that?" Tonks stopped, breathing heavily, looking into Remus's eyes as if she could get an answer just by looking at him. She looked away abrubtly and drained the remainder of her tankard in one go (which was quite a feat considering it was half full).

Remus stared at her. She definitely wasn't well.

"I - " he began.

"You're sorry? Gee, how many times did I hear that the other morning?"

"Well I am sorry," Remus said quite loudly. "I don't know what else to say. I mean, I don't think I can say anything that you'd want to hear."

Tonks looked stung. "You already have," she said in a hurt voice.

"I did?" Remus's tone had changed instantly.

Tonks nodded. "You said "I love you". I wanted so much to hear you say that to me, and then you did," she smiled for a split second, "then you went and said the two words I didn't want to hear: "it's just"."

Remus sighed.

Tonks reached for her empty tankard, then, realising it was empty, she looked over at the barman and gave an 'another glass' gesture. He nodded, poured another glass of firewhisky for her and brought it over to the table. She pulled out four sickles for him. He walked away and Tonks took a long drink from her tankard.

Remus watched her sadly, seeing none of the Tonks he knew. This one was unhappy, dull and no fun at all. He would have given anything to be sitting with the real Tonks, she joking and changing hair colours for him, smiling and laughing. But Tonks wasn't like that anymore.

"You know," she said suddenly, setting the tankard down on the table. "It is so stupid. We both love each other, and yet you're the one who's making it hard for the both of us. You make excuses. That's all you do. I wish you'd just stop. You either love me or you don't. And if you loved me, it wouldn't be so hard for us for us."

"I do love you," Remus said simply.

"Then why is it like this?" she looked deeply into his eyes.

Remus looked back into her eyes, reflecting the deep brown gaze.

"I don't know," he shook his head, then drained the rest of his tankard.

"Well, please work it out because it just hurts," said Tonks.

There was silence between them. A long, long silence. Both drank slowly, the candle buring brightly as it melted. Eventually Tonks set down her empty glass next to the other three and rested her head in her arms on the table. Her eyes shut and fell asleep. Remus chuckled a little.

"Well, I'd better get you home Miss Tonks," said Remus glancing at his watch. He'd been sitting with her for almost three hours. Remus nudged Tonks gently. She didn't stir. He chuckled to himself as he got up from his seat trying to work out a way to get the girl home. He couldn't let her stay the night here, it wasn't the nicest place, and he couldn't afford the Knight Bus. He knew how to do side along Apparition. It would be the only way of getting her home. Remus thought for a moment, standing over her, then he gently slid one arm under her knees and one across her back and picked her up, cradling her in his arms. Then he noticed nothing on the floor: a brown paper Honeyduke's bag. He bent his knees and pick up the bag with great difficulty and slowly rose again. He left the Hog's Head into the dark street and apparated to Tonks's apartment door.

---------------

"Bloody Hell," cursed Remus under his breath.

He'd arrived out the front of Tonks's door only to realise he had no way of getting in. He didn't feel right searching her pockets for keys so he figured she would have to spend the night at his place. He rolled his eyes and disapparated out to the front of his own home.

---------------

He walked up the stairs of his own house, carrying Tonks and he paper bag. He entered his bedroom and layed her softly down onto his bed. She was snoring softly as Remus pulled off her boots and set them by the bed for her. He pulled the sheets over her and watched for a moment. For someone so troubled she was sleeping so peacefully. Remus smiled at the sleeping Tonks. He bent down and kissed her gently on the forehead. She didn't stir. He left his own bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

Remus happily slept on the lounge that night.


	6. Chocolate For Breakfast

**Dear Reviewers** Thankyou for your wonderful reviews. You are wonderful people. : )

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_And now I push you away, I know I'm hurting you. Irrationality over-rides my sensibilities - **Logic - Katie Noonan**_

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The early morning sunlight was creeping in through the gaps in the blind. Birds twittered happily for the day to begin.

Tonks woke with the biggest headache she had had in a long time. It took a little while to process her surroundings. An old wardrobe stood in the corner, a battered chair with patch robes draped over it in the other corner. She was lying on a big, old, iron bed with white linen. She rolled over and saw a bedside table next to her. There was a half eaten chocolate bar, a book, a glass of water, a candle and a photo frame on it. Tonks knew that photo. It was the one of her and Remus playing chess. She wondered who on earth else could possibly own this photograph. It took a moment for it to click, and when it did her eyes widened as she sat up slowly. Well, there was no one next to her, which she was half thankful for and half disappointed about.

Tonks climbed out of the big bed, feeling the cold floorboards under her feet. She was still in her clothes from the day before and at the moment it was just a little too hot to be wearing robes. Quite thankful that she was wearing a decent purple dress underneath, she took off her robes and put them on the bed. She blinked a few times and noticed her boots and a brown paper bag sitting next to the bed. Tonks smiled at them and walked to the door. She entered a short hallway that ended with a descending staircase. She gripped the bannister tightly, feeling that if she didn't she would probably topple head first down the rickety staircase. As she creeped down the stairs she entered another hallway, this one longer than the one upstairs. The front door was down one end and a kitchen down the other, various doors inbetween, and an archway which looked as if it would lead to a lounge room. Tonks walked down the hall and into the archway, which did so happen to be a lounge room.

It was a very cosy room with a central fireplace, a couple of grand but tattered looking armchairs, a matching lounge, a coffee table and a funny clock sitting on the mantlepiece. The room was flooded with honey coloured light filtering through the off-white curtains hanging infront of the big window which faced the street outside.

A man was lying asleep on the lounge, wearing the pyjamas he had done the morning she last saw him. He was curled up comfortably, snoring a little.

Tonks had expected Remus to be here.

She sat down on one of the armchairs. The floor creaked as she sat and Remus woke abruptly, looking about the room nervously. His eyes came to rest on Tonks like a butterfly on a flower and Remus smiled.

"I see you're awake then," he said, sitting up. "Have a good sleep?"

Tonks rolled her eyes. "I wake up with the hangover of the century, finding myself lying in _your bed_. I'm just a little confused, Remus. Just a tid bit. Not to mention my head hurts like hell," she added, rubbing her temples.

"I do appologise, Tonks. I did try to get you back to your appartment but I had no keys, and searching pockets isn't something I do. You'd falled asleep at the Hog's Head after four reasonably large firewhiskies, and I had to carry you home," explained Remus. "I brought you back to my house because I didn't know where else to go."

"And I woke up in your bed because..."

"Well, you were pretty much out of it and I thought a comfortable bed was the best thing for you. It's the comfiest bed in the house."

"So you slept on the lounge?"

"It's the second most comfortable bed in the house. That and, permit me to say, I don't think you'd appreciate waking up with me next to you," as Remus said this his cheeks grew a pinkish tinge.

"Ah..." said Tonks, rubbing a hand down her face. "... so nothing...?

Remus laughed and smiled softly. "Nothing happened, Tonks."

Tonks nodded, again half thankful and half disappointed. He was watching her carefully. His face looked to handsome and caring as is glowed in the morning sun.

"So, uh, why exactly did I fall asleep at the Hog's Head?" Tonks asked distractedly.

"Well, I would say that you had just a little to much to drink. Four firewhiskies isn't good for a woman like you."

"That explains the headache then..." she said, rubbing her head. "I'm starving," she announced.

"Well, let me make you breakfast and a good hot, strong coffee - "

"Oh, no no," Tonks said, yawning slightly and waving her hand impatiently. "I've got chocolate. It's upstairs. I'll go get it."

And without another word she got up and left the room and came back two minutes later with her brown paper bag of chocolate.

"Oh, that's what it was," said Remus, mildly amused.

"Yeah, I had some weird impulse to buy chocolate yesterday."

"I find restores happiness," said Remus, looking out the window for a moment.

"Oh?" said Tonks, a quirky smile tugging at the corners of her lips.

"Mm," said Remus. He blinked and looked back at her. "What flavour?"

"Three," said Tonks, now pulling the blocks of chocolate from the bag. "Dark, white and marbled."

"Dark," said Remus before her could stop himself.

Tonks rasied her eyebrows. "White," she said stubbornly, about to put the other two back in the bag.

"Okay, okay," said Remus, trying to reason with her. "How about marbled then?"

Tonks kept a stubborn face but agreed, placing the white and dark chocolate back in the bag. She unwrapped the chocolate and broke it up, taking a large piece for herself. She bit into it and Remus saw her features change into a happier kind of Tonks. Sure, she still had mousy hair and a tired face, but she looked alive and suddenly happier.

"Oh, that it so good," muttered Tonks, savouring the chocolate. "Here, have some."

Remus took a piece. It was the first time he'd had chocolate for breakfast. He loved it. It always made him happier and good spirited. He was alot more intelligent after he ate chocolate, he felt himself realising what she should do. He had little under three days to do it. Remus thought over his words carefully as she relished the piece of chocolate. It took some time, but he honestly felt he had come up with the right thing to say.

"I'm going to live with the werewolves on Sunday," he started.

"So soon," was all Tonks said.

"Dumbledore thinks it necessary work. Best for me to start now."

"If he says so then."

'Well,' thought Remus, 'that didn't go how it was meant to.'

Maybe a different approach. Or a highly overused one.

"We need to talk," Remus said.

"Yeah, I can remember what happened the last time you said that," Tonks replied bitterly.

"Well, okay, that wasn't my intention this time. Or last time," he added. "I mean that we need to talk properly. No beans, and lets be safe and put the chocolate away."

Tonks rolled her eyes, wrapped up the chocolate and stuffed it in the bag.

"Thankyou," said Remus politely. "And now, maybe I should explain everything."

"That'll be great if you don't mind," Tonks muttered.

Remus looked at her sadly. "First, I came around to your place the other morning to talk. I appologise for a number of things that happened then: the indecency of the time I chose to show up, for being a hypocrite, and for kissing you."

"You needn't be sorry about the last," she muttered even quieter.

"Yes, Tonks, I do. It was a stupid thing for me to do. First I tell you I love you, then I tell you I can't be with you, then, being the hypocrite that I am, I kiss you. I feel so bad about doing so. It left me confused and I have no doubt that it left you confused aswell, not to mention extremely hurt." Remus paused as if was waiting for her to reply. She didn't so he continued. "I hate to think I hurt you. And I am fully aware that I am by telling you I can't be with you. But I am being reasonable. I could hurt you in so many ways if I were with you, and I prefer that it would never come to that."

"Remus, if you're referring to you being a - "

"Yes, Tonks, I am!" he said loudly. "It is much more dangerous than you probably think it is. This horrible infestation that runs in my veins. I could give it to anybody and I wouldn't ever know that I had. This should never happen to anybody," he took a deep breath. "There are too many people I care for that I worry I could hurt them. I was to protect you, Tonks. I want to protect you from me because I love you far, far too much to ever put you in this danger."

Tonks shook her head in anger. "Remus, I don't care! I know that you are a werewolf! I know, I'm not stupid. I'm not afraid, I never have been. I love you for everything that you are, werewolf or not."

Remus looked away. He had nothing to say. He had to resort to using excuses.

"I am far too old for you. You could have any man you wanted."

"No, I couldn't. The only one I want refuses to believe that I love him."

"Now that's not true. I know perfectly well how you feel, but I just don't understand why."

"Even if I told you why you would still refuse to believe it. You would try to find reason for it when it doesn't need it."

Remus knew this was true. He tried to find reason behind everything, it was just what he naturally did.

"And you are not old, Remus," said Tonks frustratedly. "That is the most ridiculous thing you've ever said. You are far from old. And... and age is nothing but a number. It means nothing."

"But you wouldn't prefer someone younger?"

Tonks glared at him in disbelief. "No," she said firmly.

Remus didn't fight this. He was fighting a losing battle. He still had another excuse to use.

He wasn't fond of using it, he never liked to admit it. Remus avoided it whenever he had the chance, but he had to bring it up.

"I couldn't support you, Tonks. I can barely support myself," he drew a deep breath, "I'm too..." he felt the bloody rush to his face as he forced the word past his lips. "Poor."

Remus's shoulder slumped forward as he stared at the dark wood of the coffee table. He felt his eyes prickle.

Tonks stared at Remus with a great sadness. She would tell that he never wanted to bring this up and she felt like dropping the subject but she found herself arguing against it instead.

"Poor?" she repeated in a heavy voice. "You think I wouldn't love you because you think you're poor."

"I am poor," Remus forced the words out of him again, still not looking up from the table.

"And so what?" said Tonks. "In the long run money comes down to numbers and numbers mean nothing."

"And you wouldn't prefer a man who would... support you."

Tonks felt a little insulted. She was, after all, an auror and they had a pretty decent wage.

"I don't need a man who can support me like that," she said with an insulted tone. "I can support myself. And I am not the kind of girl who falls in love with a guy because of his money." Tonks glared at him.

"I never said you were," said Remus in a small voice. "I just... want the best for you. And I could never give you the best."

"Love is not about money, Remus. It isn't about age or anything. You could give me all the riches in the world and I still wouldn't be happy. The best is you, Remus."

He felt her stare at him. He wouldn't look at her though, because he knew that if he saw those eyes they would be pleading. He felt as if he were about to cry. He bit his lip and was shaking to slightly as he spoke, knowing what was going to happen.

"I'm too dangerous," was all Remus said.

He sense her stand up.

"Don't dare start this dangerous nonsense on me again," Tonks's voice was shaking. "No. No, you can't see it. I love you and I know you love me too. She why... why do you have to... to push me away? I am so _sick_ of these stupid, stupid excuses that you're making. Just please stop making excuses. Stop pushing me away!"

She stopped, her eyes still boring themselves into Remus, and when he didn't reply she just shook her head at him pittuflly and walked out of the room and broke into a run up the rickety staircase until she reached Remus's room.

Remus had followed her slowly up the stairs, stopping at the top of the staircase she she stopped at his bedroom door. Tonks pushed open the door slowly and Remus followed her in. She was sitting on the floor in her purple dress, her robes lying in a heap next to her, and one heavy black boot on, the other boot beside her. Her face was burried in her hands as she sobbed. She looked up when she felt is presence and saw that he too was crying. His eyes were red and tears fell down his scarred cheeks. His mouth open slightly and each breath he took shook.

Remus looked her in the eye and felt a fresh wave of tears. He felt like collapsing on the spot, but instead he saw down next to the crying girl and without a word he put his arm around her. Tonks moved in closed and continued to sob into her hands. They sat together for this for what felt like an age, Remus occasionally stroking her shoulder.

"I'm not pushing you away, Tonks," he said gently after a while. "I'm doing this to help both of us. You'll see soon."

Tonks made a funny noise and gestured her head in a manner that could have either been accepting or not. She just looked at the boot on the floor.

Remus withdrew his arms from around her shoulders and lifted her chin between his thumb and forefinger and turned her face to his. He eyes did not meet his.

"Look at me," said Remus softly and kindly.

Tonks lifted her eyes. They were just as his were.

"You will see it one day, you will, and when you do you'll know and you'll tell me," said Remus.

She closed her eyes and nodded.

Remus smiled sadly and stood up. Tonks put on her other boot and Remus helped her up. Tonks put on her robes over her dress and stood there silently, looking at her shoes. Two strong, caring ,loving arms embraced her in a hug. She could only hug him back.

"I'm sorry," Remus's voice whispered in her ear.

He guided her down the stairs and into the long hallway.

"I'm late for work," said Tonks quitely. "I should go."

"I think work is the least of your worries at the moment. You should go home and have some rest, I think is better for you. Call in sick," said Remus.

Tonks managed a little smile and nodded.

He led her to the front door when Tonks realised something.

"I've left something in the lounge room," she said as she hurried back to the lounge room, returing a few seconds later with her brown paper bag.

Remus smiled and opened the door for her and bowed his head as she walked out into the street.

"Goodbye, Remus," said Tonks.

"Goodbye, Nymphadora," he replied with a small grin.

---------------

Remus shut the door with a small click and moved slowly back to the lounge room. Upon the dark, wooden coffee table sat a large slab of white chocolate. Remus had never been fond of white chocolate, prefering the dark kind himself, but this was obviously a gift from Tonks. She had kept the dark slab for herself, probably aware that it was his favourite. He realised that the white must be her favourite. Remus sat down on the lounge, unwrapped the chocolate and broke off a small bit. It tasted like nothing to him. Or it may have but his mind was still focussed on the conversation he'd just had that he couldn't even concertrate on the taste of a simple piece of chocolate.

It wasn't that he wanted to do this to her, he had never wanted to do it at all, he had wanted to be with her more than anything. No, he didn't want to do this at all, he felt it was his responsibility to do it though. The longer they spent away from each other, the more they'd come to realise just how much they really needed each other. This would only make them stronger.

But it would hurt in the process.

---------------

Tonks didn't go to work that day. The fact that she had already been a few hours late contributed to her excuse of not feeling all that great. She stayed home and had mug after mug oh hot chocolate with extra marshmallows and eating the bitter dark chocolate which did nothing but make her think of Remus.

Remus. Well today had started of strangely, what with waking up in _his_ bed. 'Talk about awkward,' thought Tonks.

She didn't know how she felt about that morning. Sure, she'd woken up in his bed, but the hangover didn't do her much good. Sure, she had chocolate for breakfast (infact she hadn't eaten anything but chocolate all day), but the chocolate had been spoilt by him saying they needed to talk.

And a talk they'd had. He had slowly broken every part of her heart everytime he spoke. She knew he was pushing her away, but she knew that it wasn't because he thought he was too old, too poor and too dangerous. He had a different reason and reason and she was going to find out what it was.

She sat in her emerald armchair sipping her fifth hot chocolate of the day. It was late afternoon and the sun was dancing in thought the window, illuminating every object in the room with a yellowish glow, much the same as it had done that morning when it flooded Remus's lounge room.

Remus. She couldn't stop thinking about him. The way the sun shone brightly and softly upon his face, he looked beautiful.

She had to stop thinking of him. He would keep hurting her every time he drifted into her thoughts.

Tonks sat down the unfinished mug of hot chocolate on the coffee table, next to it the dark chocolate that reminded her of Remus. She tore her eyes away from it, looking about the room. There was the photo of her and Remus in its glittering, ornate frame. She looked away to a different spot. There was the chess set they had played each other against. She moved her eyes quickly. There was the loung on which she and Remus had kissed. Tonks shut her eyes.

"Go away!" she said in a stressed, broken voice.

She left the room to her bedroom. She shut the door and fell onto the clean, white sheets on her bed.

Remus had white sheets on his bed.

Tonks grabbed a light yellow cushion and screamed into it before throwing it down after realising it reminded her of the of the sunlight that filled Remus's lounge room.

Tonks felt tears on her cheeks as she rested her weary head on an orange pillow and tried ever so hard to fall asleep.


	7. Beans, Beans the Magical Fruit

**Hi:** I love this chapter. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. It's sweet as beans!

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_I dare to dream that she might even care for me - **Heaven's Light - Tom Hulce, from Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame**_

* * *

Remus was standing in Honeydukes. The largest kind of box you could get of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans was sitting as innocently as a box could sit at eye level on the shelf he was facing. Remus felt like he was having a staring competition with the box of Beans. It could either completely ruin everything or it could patch things up a bit.

Remus read the slogan on the box:

_A risk with every mouthful!_

"Yeah, they got that right," he muttered under his breath.

Remus drew in his breath, snatched up the box, paid for it ('I really ought to stop spending my money on sweets,' he thought to himself), and left the store to find the post office. He tied a huge pink ribbon around the box and wrote a note on a piece of parchment and attached it to the box. Remus gave it to the wizard out the front of the post office, told him which owl he wanted to deliver, where he wanted it to go to, and in a few moments he was watching a large, tawny owl fly out into the cloudless sky with the massive box tied to its claws.

---------------

Remus was set to leave that afternoon. It was a bright sunny day. This, however, did not reflect how he felt. If a big, black cloud swarmed overhead and thunder began to boom and crash, that would reflect him perfectly.

He was scared. He didn't want to live with the werewolves, he hated them. He knew what they did to children, to families, to him. What if he were forced to take part in their huntings? Remus shuddered. That thought had played at his mind repeatedly since Dumbledore had told him to be a spy. He tried not to think of it too much but how could he when there was every possibility of destroying an innocent child's life? And what about Greyback? How was Remus to gain trust from him?

More importantly, how would Remus he able to live with him? He was a monster. Greayback had ruined his life.

Remus shoved a jumper into his bag and sipped it up. He trudged down the stiars gloomily and into the kitchen to make himself his last good cup of tea for a fair while.

---------------

There was a tapping sound coming from the lounge room.

Tonks looked up from a roll of parchment she had been filling out for work.

The tapping continued.

Tonks got up from her seat in the kitchen and walked into the lounge room, curious.

A large, tawny owl was pecking at her window, something pink was tied to its leg. She ruched over to let the owl inside and took the item off the bird's leg. The owl took off out the window straight away.

In her hand Tonks held a massive box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans wrapped up in a huge, bright pink ribbon. There was a note attached. Tonks unfolded it.

_Dearest Tonks,_

_Now, how did I know these would be your favourite?_

_They are surprising and fun. They are colourful and intriguing, and while they may look all sweet and innocent, there is so much more to them than their outer shell._

_I know these were your favourite because they remind me of you._

_You are surprising and fun. You are colourful and intriguing, and there is much, much more to you than what people see. You may look all sweet and innocent, and yes, you are, but I also know a different side of Tonks. The one who is serious, caring and considerate and who wants the best for everybody._

_I think you deserve the best and I can't give that to you, but I can give you think: a simple box of beans which I hope will make you happy because somehow I don't think that I ever could._

_I am leaving this afternoon. I may not be able to write to you much but please, if you can, write to me. I want to know that you are safe and you are doing well (and I'll try my absolute best to write back)._

_Please stay safe._

_Love Remus_

Tonks read and reread the letter. She sat in her armchair. There was something tugging hard at her heart as she went over Remus's words. There was so much there in such a short letter. There was love, there was sadness and there was a thin, invisible glaze of regret. Tonks just stared at the letter, soaking in every word. He thought she was surprising, fun, colourful and intriguing. He saw more of her, the seriousness. Remus knew her, he knew her well. She looked at the words 'Love Remus'. Tonks's heart was flipping crazily. She read them a dozen times before refolding the letter. She would put it somewhere special where she put everything special. Tonks wouldn't open the box of Beans though. She had left the ribbon around the box as she carried it to her room and sat it on her bedside table for safe keeping.


	8. The Silver Werewolf

This chapter is pretty much basically what was in the book. Sorry if it's boring but it was necessary.

**Dear Reviwers** You are brilliant : )

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Tonks watched gloomily as the students filed off the train. She wished she were going back to Hogwarts, young and carefree where all she needed to worry about was getting her work in and not getting in too much troubled from teachers. Gone were those days.

She watched people file out, seeing Hermione and Ron get off with two other kids she remembered vaguely from the Ministry. She saw Ginny get off with a boy she didn't recognise. There was no Harry.

Most of the students had cleared away from the train, she saw a haughty looking blonde kid stride off the train. Somehow that didn't seem right. He had an enourmous smirk of his face as she approached his friends who were waiting for him.

There was a blind drawn on one of the compartments. Tonks jumped onto the carriage to check it out. The train had started it's engine again. She opened the door and saw nothing. Tonks was about to leave when her foot pressed against something solid on the floor. Something solid and invisible. She whipped the Invisibility Cloak off him.

"Wotcher, Harry."

She looked down at him and was shocked to see him covered in blood, broken nosed. She unbinded him and pulled him to his feet.

"We'd better get out of here, quickly," she said, noticing the steam. "Come on, we'll jump."

Tonks hurried out into the corridor, wrenched open the train door and leapt onto the platform, hearing Harry land after her. She watched the train pick up speed and disappear out of sight. Tonks turned back to Harry, looking at the blood all over his face. She handed him back his Cloak.

"Who did it?" she asked, though guessing she most likely knew the answer anyway.

Harry's voice was bitter. "Draco Malfoy," he said, adding in a more grateful tone, "thanks for... well..."

"No problem," Tonks replied, probably sounding a little gloomy. "I can fix your nose if you stand still," she added, trying to sound a little nicer. "Episkey."

Harry felt his nose. "Thanks alot!" he said.

"You'd better put that Cloak back on, and we can walk up to the school," said Tonks, returning to a gloomy voice. Tonks thought she'd better send a word to Hagrid that she had found Harry. It would be hard trying to conjur a Patronus...

She saw Remus's lips touching hers...

Tonks waved her wand and what came out of it was something she didn't expect. No, it wasn't her usual scampering ferret. This creature was big and hairy... and wolf - like.

"Remus," said a small voice in her head.

"What that a Patronus?" asked Harry.

Tonks was relieved he hadn't commented on the actual form of the Patronus. "Yes," she said, "I'm sending word to the castle that I've got you, or they'll worry. Come on, we'd better not dawdle."

She began to walk up the lane that led to the school. Quiet footsteps beside her told her that Harry was keeping up.

"How did you find me?" he asked.

"I noticed you hadn't left the train and I knew you had that cloak. I thought you might be hiding for some reason. When I saw the blinds drawn on that compartment I thought I'd check."

"But what are you doing here anyway?" asked Harry.

"I'm stationed at Hogsmeade now, to give the school extra protection."

"Is it just you who's station up here, or - ?"

"No," Tonks cut through, "Proudfoot, Savage and Dawlish are here too."

"Dawlish, that Auror who Dumbledore attacked last year?"

"That's right."

Tonks could feel Harry looking at her. She knew she looked awful, she felt it too, but she really didn't feel like talking with him. Instead she focussed on the path ahead, her long cloak whispering on the ground behind them.

Once they'd reached the gates Tonks saw Harry pull out his wand after unsuccessfully trying to push them open.

"Alohomora!" he said, sounding confident it would work.

'As if it would work,' thought Tonks, 'no one would make it that easy to get in but using such an elementary charm.'

"That won't work on these," Tonks said, a little impatiently. "Dumbledore's bewitched them himself."

"I could climd a wall," Harry suggested.

"No you couldn't," Tonks replied flatly. "Anti-intruder jinxes on all of them. Security's been tightened a hundredfold this summer."

"Well then," said Harry, a twang of annoyance in his voice. "I suppose I'll just had to sleep out here and wait for the morning."

"Someone's coming for you. Look," said Tonks almost snappishly.

There was a glowing yellow lantern bobbing at the front of the catle. Tonks was hoping it was Hagrid, but who she saw she didn't like.

Harry had pulled off his Cloak, grinning slightly (probably glad to get away from Tonks), the Tonks saw his face drop into a deep scowl just as hers had done. Severus Snape stood at the gates, his hooked nose and greasy, black hair lit up by the lantern.

"Well, well, well," sneered Snape, taking out his want and tapping the padlock once so that the chains snaked backwards and the gates creaked open. "Nice of you to turn up, Potter, although you have evidentaly decided that the wearing of school robs would detract from your appearance."

Snape was looking at Tonks, his eyes laughing horribly.

"I couldn't change, I didn't have my - " Harry began, but Snape cut across.

"There is no need to wait, Nymphadora," he said, his lips curling. "Potter is quite - ah - " he glanced at Harry, "safe in my hands."

"I meant Hagrid to get the message," said Tonks with a frown.

"Hagrid was late for the start-of-term feast, just like Potter here, so I took it instead. And incidentally," said Snape, letting Harry pass him into the grounds, "I was interested to see your new Patronus."

Tonks thought she heard him laugh softly as he shut the gates in her face with a loud clang and locked them again.

"I think you were better off with the old one," said Snape, obviously referring to the ferret, his voice full of unmistakeable malice. "The new one looks _weak_."

Snape emphasized the word 'weak' as he looked her straight in the eye. Tonks glared at him furiously before Snape swung the lamp out of her face and she was swallowed by darkness.

"Goodnight. Thanks for... everything," she heard Harry called after her.

"See you, Harry," she said sadly.

Tonks watched the yellow light of the lantern bob back up the the castle. Snape had seen her Patronus, he knew. Snape knew she was in love with Remus. Tonks kicked the dirt as she set off back down the lane. She couldn't stop thinking of her new Patronus. Had it really just changed like that? She didn't know they could. She thought of her and Remus again, kissing, and Tonks waved her wand and the same great, hairy creature burst out of it. It trotted about for a few moments before returning to Tonks. Tonks crouched so she could look at the Patronus closely.

It definately had a longer snout than a normal wolf, and the pupils in the shining silver eyes were more human than animal. The silver werewolf circled her protectively.

"Wotcher, Remus," said Tonks quitely as she smiled softly at her new Patronus. It paused and looked up at her and it slowly faded away, leaving Tonks surrounded by darkness once more.


	9. Werewolves of London

Bonus point to whoever can find the two musical references (the point means nothing though)!

Enjoy!

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_And I'm so terrified of no one else but me, I'm here all the time, I won't go away -** Long Day - Matchbox Twenty**_

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'Great,' thought Remus sarcastically, 'I'm living with a group of criminal werewolves.'

A large, rangy man with a disgusting man of grey hair and a vicious face had entered the sitting room of what was most probably a stolen property. He was hunched over slightly as he examined the people sitting in the room. Most were men, there were a few women, and they were all looking at this big, grey man as if he were a leader of some sort. And he was.

"So, he began, his voice deep and raspy, almost like a growl, "two days time, we know what it is. We've gone through the plan enough, it's the same as last time. You should all know your positions," he paused, "The dark Lord has big plans for us. He's got rewards t - "he stopped.

Remus looked up. He was sitting on a stool at the very back of the room, hoping to go by unnoticed. He hadn't succeeded.

Fenrir Greyback, the rangy man, looked at Remus. His mouth twisted into a sickening, evil smile and his eyes narrowed.

"Well," he said softly, unable to hide the wolfishness of his voice, 'If it isn't Remus Lupin."

"Fenrir," said Remus steadily, inclining his head.

"I haven't seen you since you were a boy," Fenrir's eyes were laughing. "How's life been treating you?"

"Rather poorly," replied Remus, fully aware that every set of eyes in the room were focussed on him.

Fenrir laughed, only it sounded more like a wheeze. "I'd be thanking me if I were you, Lupin. We werewolves, we're very good... creatures."

"I've met many good people in my life," said Remus simply. He heard a few mutters from the crowd, a couple of laughs even.

"If they were so good then why did you leave them?"

"They're dead," said Remus, while he was part lying he figured that atleast some of it was the truth. Two of his best friends had been killed and the other had totally betrayed them all, his actions eventually leading to his friends' deaths.

"Oh poor, poor Lupin," said Fenrir, his voice full of fake sympathy. "You liar! Oh we all know you're such good friends with Harry Potter, am I right?"

"I've met Harry Potter only once in my entire life," Remus lied, "I could hardly say we were friends. Not even aquaintainces."

Fenrir's eyes narrowed. "So why are you here then?"

"I merely felt it more logicical to be living with my own kind rather than the wizards."

"And it took you thirty years to work that out?" snarled Fenrir.

"It is better late than never, is it not?" said Remus.

Fenrir looked unconvinced. "I don't trust you, Lupin," he pointed a long finger at him. "He isn't to be trusted," he said loudly to everyone else, "but we'll keep him. Who knows, he might be some use to us." Fenrir laughed. "Hecotr!" he turned to a man sitting towards the front who looked not much older than Remus. "I want you to keep an eye on this one, he's dodgy."

The man called Hector nodded and turned to face Remus, smiling horribly with yellow teeth.

'Fantastic,' thought Remus, bitterly. 'I'm living with criminals _and_ I'm being watched like a six year old. This is going to be the longest four months of my life.'

---------------

A low, heavy breathing was coming from behind him. Remus could feel the horrible, warm breath on the back of his neck.

"Hector," said Remus irritably, "what have I said about standing so close to me?"

Remus turned around to find the man standing not even three feet away from him.

"I've been told to keep an eye on you, haven't I? Well that's what I'm doing," sneered Hector.

"Yes, I can udnerstand that, but I don't see why you need to be so... close to me," said Remus, taking a slight step backwards.

"Oh, I reckon I should," said Hector, "you are dodgy. Everyone know you've been living with wizards."

"I am a wizard, thankyou very much."

"You're a werewolf," said Hector, taking a step towards Remus.

"I am both. You see we carry wands, don't we? Well that must make us some sort of wizard. If I am a wizard, does it not entitle me to live amongst other wizards?"

"Well if you're so keen on the wizards, why the change?"

"As I said yesterday, everyone I ever cared about it dead," lied Remus.

"And even that would make you want to live with the man who bit you?" asked Hector. "You're a bad liar, Lupin. We can all see through it."

Remus just sighed, knowing that if he said anything further more he might get into a spot of trouble. Instead he dropped himself into a rather uncomfortable armchair, unfolded the _Daily Prophet_ and read with Hector breathing down his neck.


	10. We Wandered Around Til the Moon Got Full

_We walked around 'til the moon got full like a plate -** So Real - Jeff Buckley**_

* * *

The moon was appearing slowly as the sky turned from blue to a deep navy. There was still an orange glow where the sun was setting and the moon was looming above, full and bright white. 

The gravel crunched under Tonks's heavy boots as she trudged up and down High Street in Hogsmeade. Laughter rang from inside the Three Broomsticks' inviting atmosphere. How Tonks wished she could join them all, have fun, be merry, talk and laugh. Instead, she was left to patrol the street outside. Guarding Hogwarts was definately high up on the list of un-fun things to do. The only person she'd had to question was Mundungus Fletcher and he wasn't even putting the school in danger; he was just selling stolen items from Grimmauld Place.

Tonks sighed miserably and wrapped her cloak around her tightly. She looked up at the moon. It was big and full. She thought of Remus - where was he, how was he doing, what was he doing? Tonks gazed at the moon praying that Remus was somewhere safe.

"Star gazing are we?"

Tonks spun around, he wand out. She lowered it, her face turning sour after she realised who it was.

"Shouldn't you be at the school, Snape?"

"I fancied a drink," Snape replied.

"Well," said Tonks trying to get rid of him, "The Hog's Head is just down there, or the Three Broomsticks just up here. Bye, now."

"Oh, but I needn't be gone so quickly," Snape said, "I'm sure you're dying for a little company. By the way you're gazing at the moon, I'd say you'd want someones company in particular." A smile curled in his lips. Tonks began to walk again. Snape followed. "You know, Nymphadora, it is nothing to be ashamed of."

"Snape, shut up."

"A little bit rude of you, Nymphadora. You seem to have misplaced your manners. I daresay a werewolf wouldn't have manners either."

"Shut up, Snape, or I'm really going to have to hex you until you do."

"He's weak - "

"Snape!" said Tonks loudly, whipping her wand out again.

Snape continued to smile maliciously. "Going to show me your Patronus again, are you?"

Tonks's eyes narrowed. "No," she muttered.

"So what happened to the ferret, Nymphadora?" asked Snape curiously.

"I don't know," Tonks said through gritted teeth.

"You don't know?" said Snape slowly. "Well I would say it seems to have changed into a familiar figure. Who is it, Nymphadora? Do you think he's thinking of you now?"

His eyes flickered up to the moon.

Tonks said nothing. She breathed heavily and slowly trying not to lose her temper.

"A little agitated are we?" said Snape.

Tonks's fists clenched.

"Ready to fight? I just hope you aren't as weak as him."

Tonks was tempted to punch him across his pale, sneering face. She held herself back thinking of the consequences.

"Tell me, Snape," she said through gritted teeth, "why do you find my Patronus so interesting?"

"Well, I'm not sure you realised but that ferret that usually comes out of your wand is now a great, big werewolf. Now tell me, isn't that just a little bit interesting?"

"What is it to you that it's now a werewolf? I fail to see how that would matter to you," snapped Tonks.

Snape laughed a little. "It seems to look like our dear friend Lupin, doesn't - ?"

"He's hardly your friend," Tonks muttered.

"No, he's yours isn't he? Although it seems to me that there's something alot more than just friendship going on between you two."

"I wasn't aware that that was any of your business."

"Oh, it's not. I'm just interested as to why someone such as yourself would ever want him."

"Just because you're a shallow git doesn't mean we all are," Tonks snapped.

"Manners, Nymphadora," said Snape, "I'm just saying you shouldn't go getting yourself into trouble. And a weak man like Lupin, he won't be able to help you if you do."

Tonks was furious but she spoke steadily. "He is stronger than you think, Snape," she said. "Now go. Stop distracting me from my work."

"I would say you were already distracted before I came," Snape said shrewdly, and he turned on his heel and strode up High Street.

"Git," muttered Tonks under her breath as she walked the other way.

She stared up at the big, silver moon.

Was Remus thinking of her?

'Probably not,' she thought.

---------------

Remus woke with a start,

He was in a forest, surrounded by trees, shrubs, he was lying on the forest floor. It took him a moment to realise why he was there.

Remus had been positioned outside a house on the outskirts of London, under the supervision of Hector. They were supposed to attack a certain man who Remus didn't know. He hadn't been able to bring himself to attack the innocent man, he would never be able to attack anyone, so he apparated somewhere just before sundown instead. He had run for a long time until he was sure he'd found an isolated place.

He would pay dearly for this, he thought.

---------------

_Tonks,_

_I must write quick. It's the morning after, I backed out, no doubt I've landed myself in a spot of trouble._

_Are you well? Please tell me you are well._

_Love Remus,_

_P.S. I may not write back, not until Christmas. Can I see you then?_

Tonks read the messy letter from Remus. His handwriting was wobbly and rushed as if he had been writing nervously. She replied to his letter carefully, not putting either of their names in it.

---------------

_Define 'well'._

_I don't know._

Remus gripped the scrap of parchment in his hands. He knew exactly who it was from, and he was so thankful she was an intelligent woman, not to putting either of their names in it.

Her words were miserable. She obviously wasn't well, or she was exactly as he had left her. And she didn't want to see him over Christmas. Remus knew she had said she didn't know but he knew well enough that it meant 'no'.

Was she angry at him?

Remus was confused more than Tonks had ever been.

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**Hi** I'm afraid Chapter 11 will be a long wait. It's a very long chapter but it's going to be the best one yet, promise. 


	11. Christmas

**Dearest Reviewers **This is my early Christmas present for you. I hope you all enjoy it! I'm so happy you're all enjoying the story so far. Please, keep those wonderful reviews coming because they make me smile :) Happy holidays!

It's the Christmas chapter finally! I made it in such exceptional timing too, haha.

It's very long. Alot of original book part so I don't mind if you skip that because we've probably all read it a hundred times before.

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_Your words devour my heart and put me to shame - **Crowded House - Distant Sun**_

* * *

Tonks wrote to Remus a few more times after that. She was careful to charm the pieces of parchment so that only Remus could read them, and she always made sure that no names were mentioned in them. Not once did she hear back from Remus. 

Not until two days before Christmas.

Tonks was at her parents' having an early Christmas supper when an owl began to tap at the kitchen window. Andromeda, Tonks's mother, stood up.

"I'll get it. Most likely Christmas greetings," she said as she walked into the kitchen, returning a moment later with a letter in her hands. "It's for you, Nymphadora," she said, slightly puzzled. "How on earth they knew you'd be here... I suppose the owl must've just known how to find you."

Tonks took the letter and read it.

_Dear Tonks,_

_I'm back for Christmas. I'll be staying at the Burrow over the holidays. I would really like to see you. Can you send an owl letting me know if you want to or not?_

_Merry Christmas,_

_Love Remus_

"Who was it from, Dora?" asked Ted, Tonks's father.

"Oh, Remus," said Tonks looking up from the letter.

"Remus?" said Ted. "A man?"

Andromeda smiled widely. "Oh Nymphadora! you've found yourself a man!" she cried happily. She had always wanted her daughter to have a boyfriend.

Tonks's face fell slightly. "Mum, we're just friends," she said, frowning, folding up the letter and putting it in her pocket.

"Oh," replied Andromeda, a little embarassed.

"What did he want?" asked Ted.

"Just to wish me a happy Christmas," Tonks said, "and asking to see me over the holidays..." she added quietly.

"Well, Henry's in the kitchen, you can reply with him."

Henry was their family owl.

"I think I might reply when I get home," Tonks lied, "let's just eat now."

Tonks had no intention of replying. She really didn't feel like seeing Remus over the holidays. Tonks was more surprised by Remus wanting to see her. She guessed that he probably still wanted to maintain their friendship that was still there. She couldn't do that though, she felt too strongly for him.

---------------

"Oh, Remus dear, it's lovely to see you!" remarked Molly merrily as she hurried him over the doorstep out of the cold. "How have you been?"

"I've been okay," he lied.

"Oh that's good then," Molly said but not without a little frown. "Come, come, we're just about to eat dinner."

He followed her into the kitchen where all the Weasley's (minus Charlie and Percy), Harry and Fleur were already sitting cooped up around the table. Remus sat at the end next to George. Everyone was tucking into the delicious meal that Molly had prepared, Remus sat pushing his food around his plate moodily.

"What's up, Remus?" asked George through a mouthful of sprouts.

"Mm? Nothing," replied Remus, forcing a smile. "How's business?"

"Booming," said George happily. "We're closed over Christmas though, not that we had much left to sell. The place was cleared out in the lead up to Christmas."

"So pretty well then," said Remus mildly.

"That's a bit of an understatement," laughed George. "And how are you these days? Keeping well?"

Remus replied with a feeble smile but said nothing more.

Though practically starved for four months, Remus hardly ate. He felt Molly's irritated stare and Arthur's occasional sad glances toward him. He guessed Molly was angry at him for not eating the food on his plate when he looked so obviously starved, and gussed Arthur had sensed his moodiness. Or Remus felt that his guesses were just not thought about and he was imagining everything.

After dessert, Molly almost physically forced everyone into the living room to listen to Celestina Warbeck's special Christmas broadcast on the wireless. Remus settled himself in a cosy armchair right next to the fire which warmed his face with it's burning flames as he stared deeply into it.

"Oh, come and stir my cauldron

And if you do it right

I'll boil you up some hot, strong love

To keep you warm tonight."

He was lost in his thoughts. His thoughts that he hadn't been able to access properly for months. Figures from his mind danced among the flames. The nightmare he'd had since he could remember; Greyback watching him outside his window, a giant werewolf tearing at his side, his parents' helpless cries of horror. Remus shook his head slightly, feeling tears burning in his eyes. He thought of something happier. The first night he stayed at Hogwarts, delighted that he wasn't by himself in a secluded room, rather surrounded by the boys who would later become his best friends, James's thin, friendly face, Sirius's effortless good looks, scrawny little Peter. He smiled remembering those wonderful times.

Another figured worked it's way out of his mind and into the flames. She was kind of short and there was a broad smile across her heart-shaped face. He saw his own figure appear, holding hands with her. Both of them looked happy.

Remus was getting irritated. He closed his mind. He found himself listening to Harry and Arthur's conversation as Celestina began another song called 'You Charmed the Heart Right Out of Me'.

"Mr Weasley, you know what I told you at the station when we were setting off for school?" he heard Harry say.

"I checked, Harry," said Arthur at once. "I went and searched the Malfoy's house. There was nothing, either broken or whole, that shouldn't have been there." He sounded as if he didn't particularly want to get into a conversation about it.

"Yeah, I know, I saw in the _Prophet_ that you'd looked," said Harry. Remus had seen it too. "But this is something different," he continued urgently, "well something more..."

Harry was telling Arthur how Draco Malfoy was practising Occlumency, Snape had made an unbreakable vow with Narcissa to protect Draco, that Draco had joined the Death Eaters. Remus soaked in every word, intrigued just a little by this information, but not surprised. Harry finished talking, glanced over and Remus and almost all was silent, except for the frequent explosions game of Exploding Snap that was happening in the corner, as Celestina kept singing.

"Oh, my poor heart, where has it gone?

It's left me for a spell..."

'No,' thought Remus bitterly for a moment. 'It left me because of a curse...'

Arthur had listened patiently to Harry throughout his talk.

"Has it occurred to you, Harry, that Snape was simply pretending - ?"

"Pretending to offer help so that he could find out what Malfoy's up to?" said Harry quickly. "Yeah, I thought you'd say that. But how do we know?"

Remus rolled his eyes; Harry was so much like James.

"It isn't out business to know," Remus said, entering the conversation. He turned away from the hot fire and faced Harry and Arthur. "It's Dumbledore's business. Dumbledore trusts Severus, and that ought to be good enough for all of us."

"But just say - just say Dumbledore's wrong about Snape - "

Remus sighed. "People have said it, many times. It comes down to whether or not you trust Dumbledore's judgement. I do; therefore, I trust Severus."

"But Dumbledore can make mistakes," Harry argued. "He says it himself. And you - " Harry looked Remus straight in the eye, " - do you honestly like Snape?"

Remus could have almost laughed. The amount of time James had asked him the very same question with the very same look. He answered as he always had.

"I neither like nor dislike Severus," Remus said. "No, Harry, I am speaking the truth," Remus said when Harry pulled the same sceptical expression that James always had done. "We shall never be bosom friends, prehaps; after all that happened between James and Sirius and Severus, there is too much bitterness there. But I do not forget that during the year I taught at Hogwarts, Severus made the Wolfsbane Potion for me every month, made it pefectly, so that I did not have to suffer as I usually do at the full moon."

How he would love to be back at Hogwarts, maybe in Hogsmeade, strolling up the street in the moonlight with her...

"But he "accidentally" let it slip that you're a werewolf, so you had to leave!" Harry said angrily.

Remus only shrugged. "The news would have leaked out anyway," he said thruthfully. Remus had been surprised he got through an entire year without his identity as a werewolf being recognised. "We both knew he wanted my job, but he would have wreaked much worse damage on me by tampering with the Potion. He kept me healthy, I must be grateful."

Harry still didn't look convinced. How not only did he sound like James, his stubborness was just like Lily's.

"Maybe he didn't dare mess with the Potion with Dumbledore watching him!" said Harry.

Remus smiled a little. "You are determined to hate him, Harry. And I understand, with James as your father, with Sirius as your godfather, you have inherrited an old prejudice. by all means tell Dumbledore what you have told Arthur and me, but do not expect him to share your view of the matter; do not even expect him to be surprised by what you tell him. It might have been on Dumbledore's orders that Severus questioned Draco."

Harry opened his mouth to reply but closed it and nodded bitterly.

Remus turned back to the fire.

"... and now you've torn it quite apart

I'll thank you to give back my heart!"

Celestina ended the song with a high-pitched wail.

'God, this must be how she feels,' thought Remus sadly of Tonks. He could help but think she didn't want to see him no matter what she felt. He was going to see her over Christmas though, he was going to make sure he did.

"Eez eet over?" came Fleur's voice loudly over Molly's enthusiatic applause. "Thank goodness, what an 'orrible - "

Arthur leapt to his feet.

"Shall we have a nightcap, then?" he suggested loudly, preventing an argument breaking out between Fleur and Molly. "Who wants egg-nogg?"

Arthut bustled off to get egg-nogg while everybody else broke out into conversation. Harry turned back to Remus.

"So what have you been up to lately?" Harry asked him.

"Oh, I've been underground," Remus replied. "Almost literally. That's why I haven't been able to write, Harry; sending letters to you would have been something of a give-away."

"What do you mean?"

"I've been living amongst my fellows, my equals. Werewolves," said Remus at Harry's confusion. "Nearly all of them are on Voldemort's side. Dumbledore wanted a spy and here I was... ready-made." he said bitterly.

Harry was looking at him sorrowfully, he had probably noted the bitterness in Remus's voice.

Remus continued with a forced smile. "I am not complaining," ('yes I am,' thought Remus) "its necessary work and who can do it better than i? However, it has been difficult gaining their trust. I bear the unmistakeable signs of having tried to live amongst wizards, you see, whereas they had shunned normal society and live on the margins, stealing - sometimes killing - to eat."

"How come they liked Voldemort?" asked Harry.

"They think that, under his rule, they will have a better life. And it is hard to argue with Greyback out there... "Remus replied trailing off at Greyback's mention. He hated talking about him.

"Who's Greyback?" asked Harry, the question Remus didn't want to go into.

"You haven't heard of him? Fenrir Greyback is, prehaps, the most savage werewolf alive today. He regards it as his mission in life to bite and contaminate as many people as possible; he wants to create enough werewolves to overcome the wizards. Voldemort has promised his prey in return for his services. Greyback specialises in children... bit them young, he says, and raised them away from their parents, raise them to hate normal wizards. Voldemort has threatened to unleash him upon people's sons and daughters," Remus hesitated, "it is a threat that usually produces good results," he said in a low, bitter voice. Remus sighed, then hesitated before going on. "It was Greyback who bit me."

"What?" said Harry, astonished. 'When - when you were a kid you mean?"

Remus nodded solemnly. "Yes. My father had offended him. I did not know, for a very long time, the identity of the werewolf who had attacked me; I even felt pity for him, thinking that he had no control, knowing by then how it felt to transform. But Greyback is not like that. At full moon he positions himself close to victims, ensuring that he is near enough to strike. He plans it all." Remus knew all to well of Greyback's plans, having taken part in four of them. He had escaped each one by Apparating so a secluded area jsut before his transformation. "And this is the man Voldemort is using to marshal the werewolves. I cannot pretend that my particular brand of reasoned argument is making much headway against Greyback's insistence that we werewolves deserve blood, that we ought to revenge ourselves on normal people."

Harry looked outraged. "But you are normal! You've just got a - a problem - "

Remus couldn't help but laugh. He was so much like James.

"Sometimes you remind me alot of James," he told Harry. "He called it me 'furry little problem' in company. Many people were under the impression that I owned a badly behaved rabbit," he chuckled. "Thanks, Arthur," he added, accepting a glass of egg-nogg from Arthur. He had felt alot better when he remembered how James used to mention his "furry little problem".

"Have you ever heard of someone called the Half-Blood Prince?" Harry asked him unexpectedly.

"The Half-Blood what?" Remus was slightly amused. Although he had heard the name one or twice in his later years of school, it meant nothing to him. He never knew who the Half-Blood Prince was and was never much interested.

"Prince," repeated Harry, watching him closely.

"There are no wizarding princes," Remus said, smiling. "Is this a title you're thinking of adopting? I should had thought being the 'Chosen One' would be enough."

'It's nothing to do with me!" said Harry, slightly offended. "The Half-Blood Prince is someone who used to go to Hogwarts. I've got his old potions book. He wrote spells all over it, spells he invented. One of them was levicorpus - "

"Oh, that one had a great vogue during my time at Hogwarts," said Remus reminiscently. "There were a few months in my fifth year when you couldn't move for being hoisted into the air by your ankle."

"My dad used it. I saw him in the Pensieve, he used it on Snape."

Remus smiled. Yes, James had used it on Snape, and not just once. James and Snape seemed to have used it more than anyone, particularly on each other, and on every encounter they had.

"Yes, but he wasn't the only one. As I say, it was very popular... you know how these spells come and go..."

"But it sounded like it was invented while you were at school."

"Not necessarily. Jinxes go in and out of fashion like everything else," he lowered his voice and looked at Harry in the face. "James was a pure-blood, Harry, and I promise you, you never asked us to call him 'Prince'."

"And it wasn't Sirius? Or you?" Harry asked hopefully.

"Definitely not."

"Oh," said Harry, sounding let down. "I just thought - well he's helped me out a lot in potions classes, the Prince has."

"How old is this book, Harry?"

"I dunno, I've never checked."

"Well, prehaps that will give you some clue as to when the Prince was at Hogwarts," Remus suggested.

A horrible sound of Fleur immitating Celestina Warbeck meant bed time. Remus, hwoever, decided to stay by the fire, comfortable in it's warmth. He stayed for a long time, gazing deeply into the flames before rising from his chair and heading off to bed.

---------------

Remus woke late on Christmas morning to find a few small packages sitting at the foor of his bed. He had sent off his presents to everyone else the day before, one which he was keeping until later.

He had recieved a new navy blue jumper from Molly, a Sneakoscope from Harry, and a small figure of a ferret curled up in sleep whittled out of wood from Arthur.

Everybody was chatting merrily as they sat down for Christmas lunch. Plates of vegetables were being passed back and forth across the talbe. He had just accepted a few parsnips from George when a clang of the gravy boat was heard and the gravy sent itself down the table in a long, brown river before Bill cleaned it up.

"You are as bad as zat Tonks," Remus heard Fleur say to Ron. Remus's movements became slower and his heart squeezed. "She is always knocking - "

"I invited _dear_ Tonks to come today," said Molly, setting the carrots down heavily making the other plates jump. "But she wouldn't come. Have you spoken to her lately, Remus?"

"No, I haven't been in contact with anybody very much," Remus replied, knowing all to well that Molly was bound to work in this question at some point. "But Tonks has got her own family to go to, hasn't she?"

"Hmmm, maybe. I got the impression she was planning to spend Christmas alone actually."

She looked at him in annoyance. Remus had got the same impression too, however he had plans to visit her that night.

"Tonks's Patronus has changed its form," Harry told him suddenly. "Snape said so, anyway. I didn't know that could happen. Why would your Patronus change?"

'Merlin,' thought Remus. He would have to say it without giving anything away. This was something he hadn't expected to happen.

"Sometimes..." he began, "a great shock... an emotional upheaval..."

"It looked big, and it had four legs," said Harry thoughtfully. Remus was wishing so hard for a distraction from this awkward conversation.

"Hey... it couldn't be - ?" Harry continued. Remus was tense and getting embarassed.

"Arthur!" cried Molly suddenly, staring out the window. "Arthur - it's Percy!"

"What?"

Remus breathed an enormous sigh of relief as everyone else turned to stare out the window.

---------------

It was almost midnight and Remus was sitting out in the Weasley's garden. The news that Tonks's Patronus had changed had tugged at his mind all day. There he sat on the back steps wrapped up in many layers and wondering whether he would want to see it. If hers had changed then maybe his had too. He was curious but he was scared.

Remus gazed across the snowy, moonlit yard, twirling his wand.

'It couldn't hurt,' he thought.

He hesitated for a long time before waving his wand. A silver creature scampered out of the tip of his wand.

Scampered. It never scampered out of his wand...

Remus looked down at the Patronus and gestured it to come closer to him. It was a ferret. There were no traces of the friendly wolf that usually bounded out the end of his wand; there was only a small, playful, silver ferret. It ran around the yard happily as Remus watched it curiously. He had seen this Patronus before, but it was never his.

"Ironic," said a voice behind him.

Remus jumped and turned to look. Arthur was standing in the doorway watching the silver ferret run around the trees making the snow on the ground illuminate in it's silvery light.

"Couldn't sleep?" asked Remus.

"No, no I couldn't," said Arthur, sitting down next to Remus. "And I'd heard someone creep down the stairs."

"Yeah... that was me..."

"Couldn't sleep?"

"No," said Remus. "No." He shook his head.

"You know I didn't had reason behind carving the ferret for you for Christmas and ironically the resemblance is uncanny," said Arthur. "But I couldn't help wonder, Remus, what happened to the wolf?"

Remus shrugged. "I've got no idea," he said.

Arthur nodded and neither said anything for a moment.

"I think..." said Remus slowly, "that someone else might have it."

"Mm, so I heard Harry mention," said Arthur.

"Yeah..." said Remus as the Patronus faded. He conjured another.

"What was it you said? An emotional upheaval?"

Remus nodded as the Patronus came to rest on the ground infront of him. It looked up at him happily.

"It seems the both of you need to talk about it."

"We have talked, Arthur. And we don't need to talk about it again."

"You could go see her then," Arthur suggested gently. "Just spend some time together. You know the only reason she didn't come today was because she knew you were here?"

"I figured as much," said Remus truthfully. "But why would she want to see me then?"

"Because she's confused and all she really needs is company."

When Remus said nothing, Arthur continued.

"Go now, Remus," he said. "You can go now and I'll just tell Molly you left early in the morning. And I know you want to see Tonks too."

Remus smiled.

"Thanks, Arthur," he said. "Thanks. I might just go."

And the little silver ferret faded as the two men got up to walk back inside.

---------------

Tonks lay flat on her back on the rug in her lounge room gazing at the ceiling she had charmed to make it look like there were thousands of glittering stars against a velvety, black sky. An orange pillow propped up her head as she observed her marvellous work. She had been lying like this for ages, unable to sleep. She had wrapped herself in the new purple jumper Molly had made for her and layed down on the floor.

Tonks had had a miserable Christmas. As much as she would have loved to have spent it at her parents' or at the Weasley's she couldn't bare to be around too many people lately. Her parents had questioned her on her looks, which were unusually dull, and she felt uncomfortable lying to them that she was just having an off day. Molly had invited her around for Christmas lunch but she knew Remus was there and she hadn't felt like being around such a large group of people.

Remus. A small package wrapped in brightly coloured paper and ribbons sat under her small, colourfully decorated Christmas tree. She had sent everyone else their gifts but saved this one, unsure whether she should send it to him. She had racked her brains out deciding on his gift and was so unsure about whether he would like it.

Tonks sighed and sat up. She hadn't drawn the blinds and could see the moon high up in the sky, it's light illuminating the room with a beautiful silver glow. She smiled warmly. Tonks flicked her wand and her giant silver werewolf bounded out of the tip and padded around the room.

"You know, I really do wish I could see you," she said to it.

There was a quiet knock at the door. Tonks looked up curiously. Another knock.

"Speak of the Devil," she said to herself, laughing a little as thw Patronus continued to wander around. There was only one person she knew who would call in at such an hour.

"Evening, Remus," she said as she opened the door.

There he stood, in a new Weasley jumper and flecks of snow in his hair, smiling at her.

"Actually," he said still smiling," but my watch I would say it's just about morning." When Tonks grinned he knew he had said something right. "How are you, Tonks?"

She merely shrugged as she let him inside and closed the door.

"Well, hello there," Remus said in a friendly tone.

Tonks looked at him curiously, the realised who, or what, he had been speaking to. The Patronus was still padding around the room. She gasped.

"Oh, um," she started. "That... I um... er... uh..." she sighed.

Remus chuckled happily. "It's okay, Tonks, I know him."

"What?"

"Yes, he uh, looks familiar," he said. "I suppose his yours now though."

Tonks was confused.

"Well of course it's mine, I mean it came from my wand. But how could you know it? You've never seen it before. You've only seen my other Patronus."

Remus sat down.

"Emotions can do funny things to Patronuses. Strangely enough, yours appears to be..." he paused for a moment, "... a familiar form to me..."

She was looking at him curiously. Remus gave his answer with a flick of his wand.

"But... that's... but... what on earth?" Tonks said as the familiar silver ferret ran around under her Christmas tree, the werewolf now faded.

"I take it that was yours?" asked Remus.

"Well, yeah," he said watching the Patronus in awe. "But, I don't get it..."

"Neither do I," lied Remus. Tonks would find out for herself eventually and he didn't want to help her with this one. "So," he said turning to look at her, "Merry Christmas."

Tonks tore her eyes away from the Patronus.

"Yeah, Merry Christmas," she said with a smile. "So what brings you here?"

"I came to see you of course. I haven't seen you in ages and I just thought we should hang out together. It is Christmas after all and everyone deserves company."

Tonks smiled. Her stomach growled loudly. She blushed.

"Sounds like you haven't had anything to eat in a long time," said Remus.

"Well... no," she said. She hadn't been bothered to eat.

"Well you what," said Remus smiling, "what have you got in your cupboard?"

"Beats me," Tonks shrugged.

"Well let's see then. I know I'm not as good a cook at Molly but I can cook you up something. A Christmas Midnight Feast," he declared.

Tonks smiled happily as they both got up to move to the kitchen.

"No, no, you sit down," said Remus as Tonks began getting out pots and pans. "I'm making this for you. You just sit down and relax."

He pulled out a kitchen chair for her and forced her gently into it by pressing down on her shoulders. His touch sent her heart flipping like a gymnast.

Remus bustled about the kitchen gathering ingrediatents: a couple of tomatoes, a bag of spaghetti, various jars of dried herbs, half a block on dark chocolate, sugar and eggs and flour and butter.

"I think we could get a good meal out of these," he said turning to grin at Tonks. "I won't be long."

He spent a good half hour chopping, boiling, melting, toasting, mixing and cooking all the ingredients. After he had finished cooking he asked her where the table wear was kept and came back and dressed the table in a white cloth and an empty vase.

"Okay, sit, sit," he ordered Tonks.

Tonks sat, amazed at the speedy preparation.

"Pasta ala' Lupin," said Remus placed a bowl of spaghetti covered in a rich, red tomato sauce infront of her. "I'm not much of a cook but it's Christmas dinner all the same."

He grinned broadly as he sat down opposite her at the tiny kitchen table.

"It looks fantastic, Remus. Thankyou!"

"Ah, thankyou, Tonks. Now, before we tuck in I must ask you one thing."

"Yes?"

"What's your flower of choice?"

Tonks smiled sweetly, the lightest shade of pink colouring her cheeks. "Daffodil."

"Beautiful!" said Remus giving his wand a little flick and making a bright, yellow bunch of daffodils appear in the empty vase. His heart soared high when he saw her face light up with joy.

"Oh, Remus, this is wonderful. Thankyou so much!"

"It was my pleasure. Now eat up."

And the two sat and ate and talked merrily over Remus's home cooked meal. There were no awkward silences, no raised voices, just two people sharing dinner together.

"Oh gosh, Remus, that was excellent."

"Thankyou, but I have made a special dessert. I found half a block of dark chocolate sitting in the back of your cupboard. I take it you didn't enjoy it?"

Tonks laughed.

"To be absolutely honest, I really don't like dark chocolate," she said.

"I feel the same about white chocolate," said Remus, "however, I have made you a special dessert," he stood up and picked up a tray behind him. "Chocolate tart."

They ate their way through the rich chocolate tart, all smiles and laughter.

"Well Remus, I must say that that was an excellent feast," Tonks said setting down her fork. "You're a marvellous cook."

"I try my best," Remus replied with a laugh.

Both were quiet for a moment as they smiled at each other. Remus quickly looked away from her and to the daffodils in the vase. Nothing was going to happen between them, not today, and he had to make sure it didn't.

"Chess?" he said after a moments silence.

"You're on," said Tonks pulling a mock serious face.

She and he sat cross legged on the lounge room floor at the low coffee table where a chess board and pieces were perched. It had been a long time since their last game of chess. Tonks had really missed it. She missed the look of concentration on his face, the way his brown creased when he was thinking too hard, the way he smiled when he knew a good move, the look he made when she had made a bad move, the way he bit his lip when she was about to move a piece she shouldn't, how he ran his hand through his hair and scratched the top of his nose when there was a particularly tricky move to be made, the quick swift movements he made as though the same was just too simple. Tonks had missed it alot.

"Oh my God," said Remus pulling a face he had never pulled when playing chess against her.

"What?"

It was nearing three thirty in the morning and nearing the end of their game. Remus was shaking his head as he studied the board intently. He looked puzzled.

"What?" repeated Tonks.

"It's your move," he said, still studying the board.

"Yes, I know," she said looking down at the remaining pieces, "but I don't get why you're so - _oh my God_..."

"You see it?"

"Yeah..." she said in quiet shock. She studied all the pieces, double checked them, triple checked them. It was impossible... "You can't win."

Remus was speechless.

"You can't win, Remus," Tonks repeated more confidently. "This means that - "

"You beat me," Remus said raising his hands in defeat. "Fair and square and I didn't even see it coming."

Tonks was laughing happily still in shock that she had beaten him at chess. It was amazing.

"Well, I must congratulate you, Tonks," Remus said extending an arm over the chess board. Tonks took his hand and shook it. "Brilliant game, brilliant."

"Tell me about," said Tonks, grinning still, then yawning hugely. "But, I tell you what, I'm so tired."

Remus yawned too.

"Yeah," he said ,"it's either really, really late or really, really early. I don't know what to call it at this hour... I better get going."

"Why don't you just stay the night?"

"Oh I don't think - "

"It's okay, Remus. You can have my bed, I'll take the lounge."

"I really don't think - "

"Remus, it's almost _four_ in the morning, just stay, okay?"

He wasn't sure how this would work out but he was tired and he really wanted to go to sleep. He decided to risk it.

"Okay," he said slowly, "but you keep your bed. I'll be okay on the lounge."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive," he said, "plus, I'd love to fall asleep under the stars."

They both looked up at the ceiling still charmed with thousands of crystal stars.

"Okay then," said Tonks looking at back him. "I'll just go find you some sheets," and she walked off down the hall way.

When she returned she found him curled up on the lounge already asleep. He looked freezing. Tonks covered him in several woollen blankets and tucked them in around him and smiled. She longed to kiss him gently on his forhead but didn't dare incase he woke up. Instead she ran her finger gently down his long nose and smiled and went off to bed herself.

---------------

After he felt her presence go he smiled, his eyes still shut. A moment ago he had felt her delicate finger trace down his nose. He could feel that she was longing to kiss him just as he had done when he put her to bed at his place but she wouldn't. He knew she was scared of what would happen if he had woken (which he wouldn't have done to save her from embarassment). Remus was disappointed she hadn't kissed him though, but he knew better. It was his idea that they wouldn't have a relationship and he couldn't act as if he wanted it to happen to matter how much he wanted to be with her.

He fell asleep smiling because of how adorable Nymphadora Tonks was.

---------------

Tonks crept out of bed. It was almost midday and the whole appartment was flooded with dim winter light. Outside snow was falling lazily. She walked quietly down the hall and into the lounge room. She moved silently over to the lounge where he was sleeping and peeked. He was fast asleep. Tonks moved away and was almost at the kitchen before she stubbed her big toe on the bookcase. She swore loudly.

Remus woke with a loud snore.

"Wassat?" he said sitting bolt upright.

"Morning," Tonks said weakly, hobbling on the spot clutching he foot. He clumsiness always seemed to strike at the worst times.

Remus rubbed his eyes and yawned.

"Sorry," appologised Tonks, "I tried to keep quiet - "

"Don't worry about it," he shook his head, "it's about time I woke up."

He yawned again and looked up at the ceiling. The charm had worn off.

"I should have let you sleep in a little longer..."

"Oh no, no, no, no, no," Remus said waving his hand. "It seems to be pretty late. What time is it?"

"Uh, almost midday."

"Midday? Blimey, I'm glad you woke me up, I hate sleeping in 'til the afternoon... it's... weird," he stood up and stretched out.

Tonks couldn't help staring. It may have been just the many layers of clothes he had on, or he looked very well built. Whatever it was, he looked alot less frail than he usually did.

Remus stopped and looked at her, eyebrows slightly raised and an amused smile in his lips.

Tonks blushed furiously and ducked into the kitchen muttering something about making tea. She could hear him chuckle a little to himself.

'Damnit,' she thought angrily as she got out two teacups, 'I must've looked so stupid.'

Tonks was deeply embarassed for being caught out staring at him, the look on his face doing nothing but deepening the embarassment. She took her time making two cups of tea, making sure she had completely stopped blushing as she took a cup out for him. When she re-entered the room he was standing and looking at the photo wall. There were a few photos of them together, her favourite still the one of them playing chess was now on her bedside table. She saw Remus's eyes look for ever photo of them together. He heart flipped. Remus had his hands behind his back and was humming a Christmas carol, completely oblivious that Tonks was behind him. she cleared her throat. Remus looked back over his shoulder, Tonks was holding out the same floral teacup he had drank from the last time he was at her place.

"Thanks," he said as he tooked the cup, causing Tonks's heart to flip again. She felt herself blush again.

"Are you okay?" asked Remus taking a sip of tea, the slightest trace of amusement on his voice.

"Oh, um, it's just a little bit too hot," she replied stupidly.

"Hot?" repeated Remus, eyebrow raised. "It's snowing..."

"I meant with the jumper on," Tonks replied, pulling the sweater off to reveal an old shirt and a sweater vest.

'Nice save,' thought Remus, who would have laughed if it weren't for the fact she had had her fair share of embarassment for the day.

"So, uh, Remus," Tonks said. She had seated herself in her emerald green armchair. "I've got a present for you. I never got to give it to you earlier," she nodded towards the Christmas tree over in the corner of the room.

"Ah!" he said. "Same here."

He went to pick up a small package which he'd left by the door when he had arrived the night before. Tonks had realised him leaving it there. Remus handed Tonks the present.

"Go on, open it," he urged her gently.

Tonks looked at him, then to the parcel. She pulled the ribbon off and slowly unwrapped it to reveal a plain cardboard box. She lifted the lid.

"It's not much," Remus said quietly.

Tonks gasped. Inside the box were sixteen beautifully carved wooden chess pieces. Each one was made out of the same dark wood and polished hard. Each piece was exquisite down to its intricate detailing. Tonks picked up a knight to observe in awe the fine detailing of the horse's mane.

"Remus, it's - it's beautiful," she breathed. "Did you...?"

"Make them? Yeah."

"Wow," she said. "Wow. Thankyou so much."

Tonks put the box down on the lounge and hugged Remus tightly. He smiled and hugged her back.

"You truly deserve them now," he said as she let go.

Tonks grinned.

"And now your turn," she said, "It's under the tree."

Remus went over to the tree as she saw back down on her chair. He picked up the package and sat down cross legged on the floor. Tonks admired the way he could go from looking like a very handsome, strong man to looking like a child excited to open their presents on Christmas day, just sitting there on the floor with a present in his hands. Remus undid the wrapping to reveal a large chocolate coloured mug decorated fantastically with flowers in a slightly lighter shade of brown.

"It's a bit feminine but - "

"It's wonderful," finished Remus. "I love it."

Tonks beamed and Remus smiled warmly. Their eyes met for a silent moment.

"Um, I'm hungry," said Remus awkwardly, breaking the silence. He could feel the where silence was leading and it was his responsibility to make sure it didn't go there.

"Me too," agreed Tonks. "Let's have... uh... breakfast... or lunch?"

"Yeah," said Remus, "slight problem."

"Oh?"

"I think I may have cleaned the cupboards bare of food when I cooked last night."

"Ah," said Tonks scratching her head, "well I do remember there being left over tart. We could have that."

"Good idea."

Tonks disappeared into the kitchen while Remus sat back down on the floor. Tonks came back, handing a plate with a slice of chocolate tart, and joined him on the floor. Like they had earlier, they joked and laughed while they ate. It was if they hadn't ever had those lengthy talks about their relationship. They were completely comfortable around each other.

"Hey! What's that over there?" said Remus, pointing at the wall with his fork after he had finished his own slice of tart.

"What?" said Tonks looking at the wall in surprise.

Remus quickly took a small piece of her tart and she turned back.

"Remus Lupin you just stole some of my chocolate tart, didn't you?" Tonks said waving a fork about in the air.

"No I didn't," Remus said with a cheeky grin.

Tonks set her plate on the floor.

"Yes you did," she said pointing a finger at him, smiling.

"Prove it."

"Because," said Tonks, leaning in to poke him in the chest, "there's less of it now and you have a great, big, cheeky grin on your face. That's how."

"And what if I just like to grin in a great, big, cheeky way?" he said leaning in closer, grinning with his tongue between his teeth.

"Then I'm just going to have to suspect you every time a piece of my chocolate tart goes missing, aren't I?" She was even closer.

"I suppose so," Remus said, now focussed on her eyes. They were sparkling. He hadn't seen them sparkle like that since...

Remus knew where this was leading. His heart was beating fast. How could he have been so stupid? It was his responsibility to not let this happen. Yet he was looking into her eyes, those beautiful glittering eyes. They both leant in closer. They were so close he could kiss her now. It was about to happen.

He looked away.

"No," said Remus in a hollow voice.

Tonks was crestfallen. Remus buried his face in his hands and sighed.

"Remus," Tonks said softly, placing on of her hands on his knee.

"No, Tonks," he placed his hand over hers and put it on her own knee. He let go. "This should not - should not have gotten to this. It isn't right."

"Well can we talk about this?" she said desparately.

"No," he shook his head, refusing to meet her eyes.

"Why not?"

"Not unless you want to hear it all over again."

"Hear what?" she asked though she already knew after she said it.

"I am too old, too poor and far too dangerous," he said bitterly.

Tonks pounded the floor with her fist. Remus stoof up.

"Remus, please don't leave," Tonks said scrambling to her feet.

"I have to," he said, looking at his hands.

"No you don't..."

Remus picked up his new teacup. He looked paler than he had been before.

"Remus..."

He opened the door. Tonks sighed.

"Merry Christmas," he said glumly, touching her elbow gently.

And Tonks watched him trudge down the stairs as she blinked back the tears in her eyes.

---------------

Remus lay flat on his back on his big iron bed frustrated with himself. It was supposed to be his responsibility to not let that happen. And even though it hadn't, he was still furious for letting it get that far, for wanting it to happen, he was still furious for letting it happen. He had given her false hope and he felt horrible for doing it. Remus just couldn't stop breaking her heart.

It was late afternoon and the winter sun was setting and snow was still falling heavily outside. Remus shivered and wrapped his blankets around him. Nothing could stop him from feeling to miserably cold except the thought of her smile. Everything he thought of that pretty smile he felt guilt slink into his conscience. He had led her on. There was nothing else that could be said. When he turned up at her place at midnight he had expected to have a friendly, happy time, nothing to happen. He told himself nothing was to happen, he had set tules for himself and he had gone and broken them all. Along with her heart.

Remus rolled over onto his side. The picture of him and Tonks was on his bedside table, both of them beaming out from the frame. He let out a depressed sigh.

There was a loud knocking coming from downstairs. Remus refused to answer the door. The knocking continued. It was loud and booming and angry and almost desparate. Remus pulled the covers over his head.

"Remus!" bellowed a voice from outside. Remus could only hear if faintly but he knew who it belonged to and he knew why it was bellowing.

"Remus!" the voice continued to bellow, fists pounding on the door. "Remus, open the door. I know you're there!"

He stayed put.

"Remus, I swear I'll blast the door in!"

He didn't care. He could fix the door.

"I'll do it! I swear I will!"

He knew she wouldn't even hesitate to blast the door in but he didn't care. He curled up even tighter under the blankets, completely covered.

The pounding stopped. Remus covered his ears expecting a loud bang. Instead he just heard the door creak open then click shut. She'd just used alohomora, thank Merlin. He footsteps were muffled as they wandered the first floor of the house. Remus threw back the covers and lay there still. He had no intention of moving.

"Remus!" she called, her voice echoing through the big, old house.

He heard her feet on the stairs. They were slow and uncertain. They reacher the top of the stairs, walked down the hall. They stopped outside his bedroom door. Remus sat up, now sitting cross legged on his bed and he threw a blanket around his shoulders. The door creaked open slowly.

"Remus?" came Tonks's voice softly. It was such a different tone to the angry, desparate one she'd had a few seconds ago.

He didn't move his head but he looked up slightly with his eyes. He mousy hair stuck to her face with sweat even though it was freezing out, and there were traces of snow in her hair and on her shoulders. He cheeks were bright pink, either from the bite of the cold or from embarassment, perhaps both. Her body, although thin and frail, was held in a sort of unsteady confident manner. She looked as if she had just recovered from breathing heavily. Despite all this, she was tall. It was as if she was casting a shadow over Remus's hunched frame.

"Remus," she repeated, approaching the bed. "We need to talk."

"No."

"It wasn't a question."

He pulled the blanket tighter around himself.

"You owe me an explaination," said Tonks.

"An explaination of what?" he said wildly, looking up at her but unable to keep his eyes from flickering about the room. "I've told you: I'm poor, I'm old, I'm a werewolf. You deserve better than men. What else is there to explain? I can't say anything more than that!"

Tonks's bottom lip shook. He had never spoken to her so harshly before.

"I'm a bloody werewolf, can't you - ?"

"Can't you just stop leading me on?!"

Remus stopped instantly. Her words hit him like a falling brick. He felt himself sink even lower into his hunched position. Tonks was glaring at him furiously wating for him to speak.

"You're the one who's telling me 'no', saying we can't be together, refusing me, then you go ahead and start flirting with me! You start it all the time, not me."

Remus was sinking lower and lower. She was right; it was always he who had managed to start it. She was pouring the guilt all over him and he knew he deserved every drop of it.

"Are you going to say anything?" Tonks said, glaring down at him with flashing eyes. "Don't even _think_ of bringing the werewolf into this," she added when his lips moved.

Remus looked up at her. He felt pathetic.

"I... I... I..." he uttered.

He felt them coming. Tears began to fall silently from his eyes, he shook his head and held it in one hand, beating the mattress with the other. He cried. Tonks stared at him, horrified by his breakdown. She didn't know whether to leave him be or comfort him. She didn't want to leave him like this but she didn't want to watch him in this state. Tonks simply sat on the end of the bed. It seemed like forever before Remus finally controlled himself. He ran his hand through his greying hair every now and then when he spoke.

"Tonks, I'm so - I just - it can't - I'm so," his voice shook, "I'm so sorry." he uttered.

Tonks said nothing. Despite his breakdown and feeling sorry for him, she wanted to hear more than just sorry.

"I'm so stupid," he said, his face screwed up with bitterness. "I do it all the time. I tell myself not to, that I'm being unfair, that it's wrong, and I still manage to get that far without stopping myself. It's hurting you, I know it is, and I can't understand why I'm letting myself do that to you," his bottom lip shook and he ran his hand through his hair. "Last night - this morning - whatever - I came over to spend time with you. I told myself strictly that nothing was even going to come close to happening. Do you know how many awkward silences I had to break? They would have led somewhere if I hadn't said anything. And then the last one," Remus was shaking his head, "The last one. I didn't break that silence, I just kept going along til it got to the point that whether I kissed you or not it would still result how it did," he rubbed his hand across his forehead, "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I can't explain it any more than that. I'm just... horrible."

Tonks sat on the edge of the bed and took all of his words in. He knew exactly what he'd done to her and he understood the pain of it all, he could feel the pain. She was amazed at how hard he tried not to let anything happen.

"Remus," she spoke softly but strongly, "I don't think you're horrible. I think so much of you. You know I love you, but you're hurting me and from what I can understand, you're also hurting yourself. I really don't want you to do this.

God, Remus, I've said it so many times, I love you and you've told me the same that you love me too. I just don't understand why you insist on refusing this. It's hurting you, Remus. You know I love you and your excuses mean nothing to me. It's as if you think that by insisting on the excuses that maybe I'll come to accept them. I won't because I love you, Remus, I love you."

He looked up at her, his eyes still glassy with tears. He looked as if he wanted to say something but the words wouldn't come out. He looked to be as big a mess as she felt, if not more.

He saw the look on her face. It was almost pitiful. Remus felt pathetic, he wanted so bad right now just to drop his stupid ways and just be with her but he couldn't.

"I can't do this," he said, trying so hard to meet her eyes but failing.

"Maybe some day," Tonks sighed, standing up.

She cast a look over Remus as she walked to the door.

"Oh, and forgive me for, um, intruding. It was rather rude of me," she said before leaving the room, a tiny, sad smile flickering across her face as she left.

When he heard her footsteps on the stairs he slowly got up and followed her silently to the door. He was at the foot of the stairs as she clicked the front door closed. Remus sighed and sat on the bottom step.

Merry Christmas,' he thought sarcastically.

* * *

Reviews would be delightful! I'm so happy with this chapter. 

**NOTE: **If there are any questions regarding Remus's Patronus and the change (seeing as it seems to be a widely discussed topic) I ask you to read my profile before asking me anything else. If that doesn't help I would be happy to answer any questions you may have.


	12. I Don't Want to Go Back

**To my wonderful reviewers **Thankyou for your reviews of the last chapter. They were wonderful.

This chapter is short and definately not as good as previous chapters. Apologies for lack of updating, but thankyou for being patient.

Enjoy.

* * *

_I ain't ever going back, back to the place that I can't stand - **Jamie Cullum - Catch the Sun**_

* * *

"Albus, I really don't want to go back."

"You must, Remus, it is absolutely necessary that you do," Dumbledore looked down his long, crooked nose.

"I'm not getting anything from this," Remus insisted, "they won't tell me anything and everything it kept top secret. They suspect me still and I assure you that they'll keep it up. You know they've included me on four huntings already and each time I've managed to escape. Do you know how much trouble this puts me in? And what if I don't manage to escape them the next time? You know what will happen. I won't let that happen, I refuse to."

Remus shivered at this thought. He hated to think of that possibility. Remus didn't like to argue with Dumbledore but this time, well he couldn't help it. Not only could this stupid misson be of danger to others, it was a danger to himself. Did Dumbledore even know how traumatising the whole thing was?

Dumbledore sighed and rubbed his long crooked nose.

"Remus, I understand how this is affecting you," he began.

'You have _no_ idea,' Remus thought bitterly.

"But it is very important that we know what the werewolves are doing for Voldemort," Dumbledore continued. "You are the only man for the job, Remus. We need you."

He sounded so calm and yet he managed to be very persistent. Remus just looked at him in defeat, too tired, too depressed to argue.

"Okay, Albus," he replied with an air of frustration, "I'll continue the work, but I am not so sure on how much longer I can hold on doing thing."

Dumbledore nodded respectively.

"God forbid if I should ever attack anyone," Remus added under his breath.

He was so sure that Dumbledore heard him but the Headmaster made no show that he had, ignoring Remus's snappy remark.

"Well, that settles that then. You wil continue you work in four days time, sending me regular updates and important findings if necessary," Dumbledore said, drumming his fingers musically on his desk. "So how are things between you and our dear Nymphadora, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Alright," Remus replied calmly, but his facing going red.

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows ever so slightly.

"Less than alright," Remus said moodily.

Dumbledore smiled sadly. "What seems to be the problem?"

"I would rather not talk about it," said Remus.

"Quite understandable, Remus," said Dumbledore, "maybe you'd better go and rest. You look to not have slept for days."

Remus nodded and rose from his chair.

"Good to see you, Albus."

"And you, Remus."

As Remus was leaving he could hear Dumbledore humming 'Cauldron Full of Hot Strong Love'.


End file.
